Swing....and a miss.

I know you were all waiting to hear stories of my first "Swingers Night" at the Olde Un Theater. Well, sadly, I must report those quotes may indeed be ironic. Not much happened.

To be fair, I didn't work in the theater portion of the store. The retail side ran pretty hot and cold, probably due to some shatty (that's right not shitty, but shatty) weather. Plus everyone knows swingers turn into gremlins if they eat before midnight, or something. I don't know. All I do know is I've seen more debauchery at....something one would presume to be less debaucherous. Happily enough, I did have some big-ticket sales in the store.

And most importantly, I sold my first strap-on to cute lesbians. How did I know they were lesbians. Three clues my friends: Birkenstocks, pierced noses and your god, I can still smell the patchouli.

So with no real tales of semi-public fucking amongst the dregs of mid-Missouri society, I feel compelled to provide some alternate service to each one of you. Here comes:

I recently finished reading "Snow Falling on Cedars" by David Guterson. Having worked in bookstores for a quite a while, I'd been aware of the Pen Award winner for some time, but had not really thought about reading it until it was given to me for Christmas by Brook's folks.

I gotta say folks this book is really well written. The story surrounds a murder trial on a small island off the Washington State coast in the years just following World War II. The war and the internment of Japanese nationals play roles in the backstory, as lingering racism and unresolved pre-war disputes lead to the accusation of a Japanese-American and long-time island resident, but the real enjoyment here is how Guterson writes his people and places.

My biggest problem with most fiction rarely centers around a story, as I am generally able to suspend disbelief. When I tear a book apart (usually figuratively but every now and then literally) it is because I can't buy into the characters or the dialogue. Guterson has written very real people saying very real things. No matter what era or social setting you grew up in, it is easy to imagine having known people like the ones he has been able to write.

Even more impressive is the way he is able to set his scenes. You can smell the cedar of the trees and feel the snow hitting your face as he takes you a tour of the small fishing and farming community in which his story is set. You can taste the fruit from the strawberry and raspberry farms. (Which was actually a slight drawback for me personally as I do not care for raspberries, but Jeff abides.) You can also feel the tension surrounding his characters as the trial moves closer and closer to its seeming inevitable conclusion.

Okay, copyright notice here. The following in italics is Guterson...not me, though I'm sure the similarities between he and I will be obvious.

San Piedro men learned to be silent. Occasionally, though, and with enormous relief, they communicated with one another on the docks at dawn. Though tired and still busy, they spoke from deck to deck of what had happened during the night and of things only they could understand. The intimacy of it, the comfort of other voices giving credence to their private myths, prepared them to meet their wives with less distance than they might otherwise bring home after fishing. In short, they were lonely men and products of geography --- island men who on occasion recognized that they wished to speak but couldn't.

Good stuff.

I can't recommend this book enough. It is not faced paced with its action, but is very readable and does not leave you with the empty feeling so much of today's mass-market fiction often does with no apparent conscience.

"It's getting hard to wake up in the morning. My head is spinning constantly. How can it be?"

Hey, does anyone out there is TV land know how to start a think tank? Actually, when you get back to me on that one, if you could also let me know what exactly a think tank does.

So I guess Hamas won every vote but American Idol and first base in the National League (go Pujols). They take the place of the corruption-laden Fatah government in Palestine. Of course Fatah was much more amenable toward peace with Israel. Bush says Hamas must change its stand on Israel entirely. All together now....Oh Shit!

Heats and Minds! Shock and Awe! Hearts and Minds! Shock and Awe!

So when I'm not selling cock rings and anal beads I spend my working hours in a hotel. The other day I met this nice old man named Forrest....something, I don't remember. Anyway, the point is he insisted on being called "Frosty." I told him I was more comfortable referring to him as Mr. Last Name, but he insisted. Never called a person Frosty before. It was fun.

Oh, yeah, the cock ring job. Tonight is my first "Swingers Night." Those quotes aren't ironic quotes, like yeah-we-call-it-that-but-it's-really-not. No those quotes are to let you know the official name is....Swingers Night. Although it might be Swingers' Night. Catch the subtle nuance there?

Yeah, so the Olde Un has satellite radio. The only hitch in the giddy-up would be the tuner's locale. It is in the manager's office. The managers, and I mean none of them, work weekend nights. They always leave it set on the 80's channel.

Now I love the 80's. But this station so rarely plays the great acts from said decade. No Smiths, no Cure, no Depeche Mode, no Talking Heads, no Blondie, no Madness, no punk of any kind, no metal and only rarely a cut from pop acts like Madonna or Michael Jackson. I know what you're thinking. What could be left?

Oh just lots of Wham!, Katrina and the Waves and Olivia Newton John. The other night I heard "Toy Soldiers" by Martika twice in a six-hour span. Now, I sorta like the song, but tell me please....How in name of god, when there are 10 years of songs to choose from, can one song be selected twice?

Hey, I had this drink this morning. It's a blend of grapefruit and cranberry juices. Pretty damned good!

Did anyone see the w. on the telebox the other day? He was doing a Q & A session, I wanna say it was after his Kansas State University speech in support of Constitutional violations. Anyway, some kid asked him if he'd seen Brokeback Mountain.

The w. paused and the Uhhhh was almost audible. Then he giggled a bit and said no he hadn't seen it. Pause. Giggle. He said he'd heard of it. Pause. Then he deadpanned..."No, I have not seen it."

The deadpan was actually pretty good, gonna give the man-child credit. The strategically selected audience laughed out loud. Not sure if they were laughing with their buddy the w. or at the fact whichever gay kid asked the question will no doubt be burning in hell someday.

You ever been in a Turkish prison? Randy Quaid gets stabbed, but only after John Hurt touches you in the shower.

So Oprah has this book club, don't know if you knew that. Apparently this is some controversy surrounding one of her more recent selections. Seems the hard times story of this "memoir" (quotes meant to be ironic this time) were, in fact, fabrications.

Oprah's current selection is a fabulous, chilling, moving Holocaust memoir entitled "Night" by Elie Wiesel. Anti-Semites are no doubt lining up now to challenge the veracity of this work.

Fuckin' A Oprah, is there anything you can fucking leave alone?!? Why don't you go have second breakfast. I hope you choke on elevensies.

Should blogs be topical? That is to say, singularly topical? I mean, should I pick one topic and go with it, or do you like how I freestyle? Good. Cause that's how I roll baby.

Okay, I have to get back to work as there are hundreds of little Methodist kids in the hotel. Bye Bye.

Video killed the radio star.

JeffRey

"In books. And films. And in life. And in heaven."

Okay children, gather round and allow your ever so humble author a moment to share:

With today's present economic climes being as they are, I've made the decision to pursue additional streams of revenue. Now being a wage slave, a modern day serf if you will, to the Holiday Inn...finding said additional sources of income has been less than easy.

That said, I have, temporarily at least, found a regular 8-hour gig every Saturday night. It's a retail job....part of a billion dollar industry in fact. I am now a part-time sales clerk...at the Olde Un Theater.

Now for those not in the know, and those in the know who really just want me to explain it, the Olde Un Theater advertises itself as...the store for lovers. A less discerning sort would refer to the Olde Un Theater as, well, a smut shop. (Or is it shoppe?)

I know. I know. I know. The lovely Brook's mother has already shamed me enough, I'm thinking/hoping in a half-joking way, so keep your motherly comments of indignation to yourselves. Additionally, and knowing most of you as I do probably more importantly, yes I do get an employee discount and no I will not buy you anything.

So I started my training last night. Don't fret, first-hand knowledge of inventory is not required. This was more to get the lay (no pun intended damn you) of the land and learn the computer system. So...impressions?

It's a little disarming walking into a porn shop. You are immediately hit with, in the words of Jim Belushi from About Last Night, "tits and ass, tits and ass, tits and ass."

We've all been in stores like this....right? We make fun of the titles like Oklahomo, Bang that Black Bitch White Boy and All Dat Azz (which incidentally has many volumes). Any girl who's been to a bachelorette party has seen the penis popsicles or the t-shirts with the sex scavenger hunts on them. You don't want to hear about that stuff. You want the stories.

What are the customers like? Well you do have your packs of sorority sisters buying their gag gifts for wedding showers and bachelorette parties. These are normally vibrators of the smaller, i.e. slightly normal, variety.

Oh, by the by, since nothing is returnable at the Olde Un, naturally I hope you all would think, every vibrator must be tested by the sales clerk. Now, I don't mean "tested" tested, but I did have to put batteries in some of these bad boys and turn them on. I can't type that without giggling, so I'm sure you can imagine how difficult this was for me.

Anyway, like I said normal vibrators are for those unembarrassed about what they want and for the one person in twenty who is actually buying the "gag" gift. On the other hand, buying a cosmetic hand shaped as a...well a fist. That's no gag gift. That's a ball-gag gift. Also, people, the bigger a deal you make about it not being for you...you might as well tell us exactly how you're going to use it on yourself and your husband.

Oh, speaking of husbands, this one lady bought some of that de-sensitizing cream for a guy's Octagon and Doctor Noisewaters. The husband/boyfriend/premature ejaculator feigned interest in looking at the DVD's for rent on the other side of the store, but we all know the truth.

Oh, public service announcement, exotic dancers are invited to use the "professional discount" on all lingerie and boots. No word on whether escorts may enjoy a discount on the contraceptives.

Since you brought up condoms. One guy puzzled me at first by purchasing just one condom (mint flavored?). My puzzlement turned when I saw him leave the commercial area of the store and enter the theater area. Oh, riiiight.

Did I mention the theaters? There are three types. The first would be a preview booth. What's that you ask. Well, the gist would be...why rent the DVD and take it home when you can watch it here? For $7 you rent the room for 2 hours and may watch a DVD of your choice from the stores shelves. Fair warning...cloth couches.

Type 2: The peep shows. These are the stereotypical booths where one pumps quarters into a TV and watches snippets of porn. Glory holes? Not an urban legend. Although they are more like glory doggie-doors. No actually I think they slide...like in a confessional booth. Huh.

The final type of theater would be the actual theater. Now, I've not yet gone inside any of these (and quite thankfully have been assured I probably won't have to) but the description of the theaters is they have a big-screen TV and couches inside. Two of the three are for straight films. Although on weekends one theater does switch to couples only for what I'm told is a rather active Columbia swingers scene. The final theater is the all-male cabaret.

What goes on in these rooms? I'm told anything and everything goes on in these rooms. In fact, one gentlemen with only half a leg motored back and forth from the theaters to the store on his little scooter to give us a play by play on the drama unfolding between a certain young lady and her boyfriend, whom she found (shockingly) in the all-male cabaret.

I actually saw the girl walk through the story, coming to the realization of where the boyfriend was. She had this look on her face....it's like, uh...who's the chick that married Jackson Pollock? Right, Marcia Gay Harden. It's like she knew Jackson was going to touch the other boy's paint brushes when he hung out with certain boys. She just knew it. So she must have had the look on her face this girl had. Follow? Good.

[Editor's Note: Those of you who've seen Pollock may not remember the scenes in the film as described by the author in the above paragraph. That would be because they weren't in the film. They did happen though. The author has read the full Pollock biography, from which a small piece was culled to make the screenplay. It's science.]

I've only worked there one night! It was, I'm told, a slow night! I haven't even worked a couples night yet! I still feel like I was in an episode of HBO's Real Sex.

This is off topic, but I think I am going to buy a pair of handcuffs. They're the kind the police use and offered in either stainless steel or steel with nickel plating. I can also get those type the highway troopers use. You know, the kind with no chain between the cuffs, thereby restricting movement even more?

Oh, leg irons are also available in the bondage section.

Guess how many different types of strap-ons there are. A lot.

Have you ever seen the episode of Arrested Development where Tobias goes to the spa? Body chocolate is a real thing. (And available in a variety of flavors)

So the whole dildo/vibrator thing, I seriously only laughed the first couple of times. I did sell a rather imposing looking to one a waifish looking guy though. It was double-headed even. I mean the dildo not the guy, who was waifish. He didn't exactly "give me the eye" but I gotta feelin' my hands on the self gratification device will be a lasting image for him. (Imagine me shuddering for about three seconds right....now.)

So some of the regulars are interesting. There's this 75-year old man, who by the way doesn't look a day over 68, who I guess comes in nearly every day to switch out his movies. Or every other day I would guess, cause they're two day rentals. Anyway, this guy is loud, pretty funny but he had a mouth on him. Every other word was fuck. I'm used to slightly more...structured retail environs. This confused, yet bemused and even amused (which is very similar in meaning to bemused) me. He also looked a little like Nipsey Russell, which helped with the amusement.

Did you know Debbie Does Dallas has been re-mastered for DVD? You do now.

Guess what? So has Deep Throat.

[Editor's Note: I'm told both could be found in the new releases section.]

Oooh, located just outside the theaters? Snack bar. I shit you not friends. For sale are delicacies like Shakespeare's Pizza and White Castle cheeseburgers. Or are they just White Castles with cheese? Are the burgers at White Castle called burgers? Help me people, blogging ain't a spectator sport.

Next to the snack bar are some tables...with cloth chairs. Oh by the way, don't allow your skin to touch any cloth in the "back area" of the Olde Un. Although fear not friends, for a temp service is employed to, twice daily, clean the theater and booth areas.

Also in the back area is a pool table and a TV with cable. I saw my first episode of Drawn Together. The Superman-esque character was in a wheelchair. Seemed kinda wrong, and yet, considering where I was, kind of appropriate.

Oh, by the way, the guy with half a leg who had been reporting on the activities of the all-male cabaret to us, in his words, "straight folk" was also watching Drawn Together as was another wheelchair-bound gentleman who chose to patronize the straight theater. They both found the episode very funny.

[Editor's Note: The gay wheelchair man claims the straight wheelchair man is in the closet. Not sure what that means. The closets are for employee use only.]

The back area also has a really cool Falstaff Beer clock. I want it. Yet, who knows what stories that clock could tell.

You ever seen those singing deer heads in stores? Olde Un has Polly the Insulting Parrot. Turned it on to see what he says, he told a customer to fuck off. Whoops. Sold one to two guys spun out on meth though.

By the way, do not (underlined) take photos inside the Olde Un. That is an invasion of the privacy of others. Also, I need plausible deniability for this someday.

Have you seen this Livestrong bracelet Lance Armstrong peddles? (Livestrong--Armstrong...hey, I just got that.) Oh, you have. Well maybe you haven't seen every other cause, sports team and alternative message of nihilism also make up their own bracelet. Oh, you've seen those too. Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet. No, no, no, no, no you just aiiiin't seen nothin' yet. (Air guitar--cue the two big strums...now.)

To raise money for the legal fund against a certain anti-porn crusading Missouri senator who shall remain nameless (primarily because I can't remember his name right now) the Olde Un is selling Show-Me Freedom of Expression bracelets! Only $2.

So it's honestly not as bad as I might have thought. Of course I haven't worked Swingers Night. Though it is still pretty strange, and of course I haven't worked Swingers Night yet. Any amusement I get from telling people where my part-time job happens to be is also mixed with a certain amount of embarrassment. It's also not a lot of hours and I am obligating myself to pretty much every Saturday night, which happens to be Swingers Night.

To summarize, I'm not sure how long I'll keep this one, but I can promise you one thing. As long as I do work there, the stories will come...hilarity will ensue.

Do you need to buy some batteries tonight? Lube? Oh, yes...we've got...in a variety of colors and flavors.

JeffRey

"I'd go over twelve percent for that."

Don't know if you heard, but actor Chris Penn was found dead in his home yesterday. Chris had to live his life in the shadow of Sean Penn, he of little to no sense of humor and talented musician Michael Penn. Still who can forget Chris as Willard in Footloose ("I'm waiting...patiently.)? And of course he was Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs. R.I.P. Chris

OK, on to the nonsense.

So correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't the point to owning a Humvee being able to compensate for having an abnormally small penius? What's the point to a Mini-Hummer? Hey, spend all your cash on gas, still have an abnormally small penius and a really stupid looking, itty bitty car!

So my friend Fuller has mentioned this on his blog, but the "venerable" Reverend Fred Phelps showed up in Ohio to stage another of his little demonstrations at a military funeral. See Mr. Phelps hates all gay people, and apparently feels the United States is run by gay people, so he is now protesting at military funerals. See the logic there? No? Good.

Fred Phelps is completely insane. Everyone knows the United States was run by Jews until 2000 and has since been run by evangelicals.

[Editor's Note: The author is only half serious with the last sentence. I'll let you guess which half.]

So I predicted a Broncos-Panthers Super Bowl last weekend. For those who lost everything they own gambling....serves you right Mr. Bennett. I guess you'll just have to write another book on family values.

My early pick for the Super Bowl, by the by, is the Steelers to cover. That would mean you'll want to wager every thing you own on the Seahawks and the points.

So I read about this high speed chase along the west coast that ended just shy of the U.S.-Canadian border in Washington. Two chaps wanted on a California murder charge began exchanging fire with U.S. border patrol. Now what was the Canadian border patrol up to you might ask. They were taking cover as they are, as a rule, not going to work strapped. Now, I know the illegal flow of humans from the U.S. to Canada is probably more like a trickle, slowing to a few drips in light of recent Canadian elections, but come on people. Don't you want the satisfaction of knowing a law enforcement official can lay some mofo's down if needs be?

How do Mounties get their men? "Hey you...stop. I caught you in my flashlight! You're frozen now. And no tagbacks!"

You know, I'm noticing a lack of coherence to today's post. It's not quite on a Burroughs level for being all over the place, but a well-oiled machine has not been laid out for you today. Deal....

I'm still smarting over this Chris Penn thing. He had good lines in True Romance ("I'll call you a hearse") and how 'bout f-ing Short Cuts?!? This is gonna take me a day or two.

So Ford is closing some plants, including one in St. Louis. Only axing about 25,000 jobs. Fuckin' Ford.

Don't know if you saw this, but Leif Garrett is in trouble with the law. Who? Exactly. Probably won't see anyone release a flock of doves at his acquittal. Of course he isn't on trial for touching kids where they pee.

So I read this really great article in the most recent issue of Mother Jones. It's about Congressman Walter Jones (no relation). You may not recognize the name, but Congressman Jones is the backwater Representative from North Carolina who actually had the menus in the Capitol building's cafeterias re-written so that french fries would be called "freedom fries." Well seems like Jones, who sounds like a very nice and sincere man, has gone a total 180 on the way the president and his administration are handling the situation. He is now trying to draw more Republicans to his side and call for a real exit strategy from w. and company. Very interesting and compelling read.

Freedom Fries...thankfully even Congressman Jones recognizes the error of that move.

What's more fascinating to you: Old people who are total Luddites and know absolutely nothing about computers and in fact...fear them? Or old people who know nothing about computers but assume they are, in fact, capable of anything and everything?

I work in a hotel....Imagine if you will:

Me: Good afternoon sir, checking in today?

Old Man: Yeah (more a grunted sigh than a word)

Me: Yes sir, what's your last name?

Old Man: Ain't I in that computer?

Me: Yes sir I'm sure you are, but see this computer has only talked to you on the phone, he doesn't recognize your face yet.

Cripes! A little help here Matlock!

Okay, I'm spent....I will now spend the rest of my day listening to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70's that just keep on....truckin'.

Would you like any fries with that?

JeffRey

All the while they doin' it doggystyle

So I've got these dogs. One is named Sysco T. Dogg and the other is Lefty the Pit. Collectively, I like to call them the hounds of hell.

Each has some...interesting personality quirks. Sysco loves to eat garbage and drink from the toilet...despite the presence of food and water bowls at his disposal.

Lefty, generally speaking, is a total narcissist and looks toward me with a fair amount of apathy...until I either have company over or am speaking on the phone.

Now, since I loathe my current apartment, the only company I have is the lovely Brook, who also happens to be the one I am generally speaking to on the phone when I am at home. At these times, I become the center of Lefty's universe. He crawls about me like I'm a jungle gym and gets his dog snout right up in my grill yo.

Now I might be able to pass this off as some sort of cute jealousy thing if not for one fact....Lefty, buddy, can you put the red rocket away while you climb on me?

My dogs also have this love/hate relationship between each other. Sysco is an old beagle mutt, who has very little patience for Lefty's puppy ways. Lefty can be a very playful sort who just wants Sysco to join in his fun and games. Lefty's means to that end include pawing at Sysco's face and sitting on Sysco's head. Needless to say neither is received especially warmly.

Lefty also strikes fear into one of my neighbors, specifically for being a pit bull. Is that a form of racism? Lefty is very sweet, but does have the appearance of a bloodthirsty killer. He also has shown an almost Houdini-esque talent for escaping his harness. And when he can't fool the harness with his rubber-man like moves, he simply tears the thing from his body with those jaws that will one day be called upon to kill someone in order to save my life.

Now when Lefty gets loose he doesn't wander far from the apartment, so the only real issue is the constant state of fear my neighbor lives in.

Sysco on the other hand...when he gets free it's head for the hills time. He is what NFL scouts might call "sneaky fast." I've actually lost him a handful of times and just had to wait until he showed back up at the human society doggie jail from which I sprang him so many years ago.

Now his wanderlust has waned as he has aged, but every now and then he still gets loose and shows a reckless abandon that might be admirable if not altogether terrifying. Busy traffic? No problem. Treacherous woods? No problem. Your owner calling your bitch-ass name as your run from him and his bare-footed self? No problem.

Now more often than not I am able to run him down, but get this. He won't walk back to the house with me. He either lies still where I caught him, and that could be anywhere (busy roads again not exempted), or he walks the opposite direction. So I am generally left with having to carry him back, as in my haste to fetch him I rarely have a leash in hand.

Okay, so those are the Hounds of Hell and their quirks, but I've yet to share what might be the most alarming problem. Despite what would seem to be an incompatibility, I have often caught the dogs....to put it bluntly....licking each other's balls.

Now, I'm no prude, but I'd rather they not do this when I have company over. I also have to ask...is this just a case of two kids curious about their bodies? Or maybe two youngsters experimenting with their sexuality? Are they hoping the GOP is right and a marriage of animal to man is the obvious next step should gay marriage finally be legally recognized? Enquiring minds want to know.

Woof

JeffRey

"When Your Thing is Wild, Chilly Down, Chilly Down with the Wild Gang"

OK children, this is the last of these your beloved author plans on doing for this here blog. I do it so that each of you might feel closer to me. *Tear* (That should be pronounced tear like "Tears in Heaven" is quite un-Clapton and I don't like it, despite its tender subject matter, rather than, tear as in the Macho Man will tear him to pieces. OH YEAH!)

1. Initials: JMT
2. Name someone with the same birthday as you: Maria Sharapova, Ashley Judd and Kate Hudson....Smokin'!!!
3. Last thing that you ate? McDonald's hash brown...Thanks Fabe!
4. For or against same sex marriage? I am unopposed to the idea.
5. Are you homophobic? I certainly hope not, and would, in fact, say no.
6. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? No as I have neither the time nor the cable television. I also live in something of a bunker, making even the pickup of networks problematic.
7. Do you believe in God? Never met him
8. How many U.S states have you been to? Does a state of confusion count? No...then we'll guess in the mid-20's.
9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in? That would be four...which is less than the mid-20's.
10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S? Define lived please. Really? Rather stodgy definition, but if that is the case than no I've not had the pleasure of escapism
11. Name something you like physically about yourself: I can grow a pretty decent beard. I like my tattoos.
12. Something non-physical you like about yourself: I am charismatic, witty and possess a fairly high intellect. My vocabulary f-ing rocks the house.
13. What is your dad's name? Richard...although I'd advise not calling him that. Some sort of story involving my great-grandparents, but the gist of it would be call him Mike, not Richard. Call him Richard and he assumes you're a telemarketer and thereby an asshole.
14. What is your dream car? I want Vin Diesel's Dodge Charger from The Fast and the Furious. Also a VW Beetle convertible, that would be sweet.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Havana, Cuba please
16. Favorite type of food? Sushi...it is both good and good for you. Also beer, which should be considered food due to its wheat content.
17. Favorite holiday? Flag Day...what favorite not superfluous. Uhh...let's go any holiday where you get off work and get to drink quite a bit, sans 4th of July please.
18. Do you download music? Doesn't everyone?
19. How many illegal things have you done? Other than downloading music? One or two
20. Where would you want to go on a first date? Gotta be a concert or a play...some sort of performance art that is NOT (underlined) mime.
21. Would you date the person who posted this before you? Hmmm...that would be no. Nothing personal J-Fo, but I've got the lovely Brook.
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you? Not specifically for me, I don't think. Callen does sort of gaze into my eyes every time he does karaoke.
23. Have you ever cried for no reason? That would be a no. In fact, two nos....fine yes you bastards. Are you happy? The author is a crier! Film at f-ing 11 baby!
24. Do you like President Bush? This list isn't specialized to a given person is it? The answer to this one would be a big no. In fact, two nos. And no backtracking on this one.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped? I did the bungee swing at the Six Flags. Most scared I've ever been.
26. have you ever white water rafted? Why's it gotta by "white" water. You oppressin' me?
27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? Is this question gender specific?
28. Last person you hugged? That would be the lovely Brook. Unless Sysco T. Dogg counts....
29. Have you met a real redneck? This list is definitely not contoured to an individual. I live in Missour-Ah. That answer things for you?
30. How is the weather right now? Brisk, with a touch of crappy.
31. What song are you listening to right now? Some shitty muzak.
32. What is your current favorite song? Joan Osborne's take on "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" from the soundtrack to Standing in the Shadows of Motown
33. What was the last movie you watched? The Constant Gardener. It is pretty damned good.
34. Do you wear contacts? Occasionally
35. Where was the last place you went besides your house? Tropical Liquers (south location) and the Inn
36. What are you afraid of the most? Heights...god help me heights!
37. Have you ever hit on someone of the opposite sex? same sex? Opposite: Yes Same: No doubt in a drunken stupor. Tough call on which of the two situations leaves people more uncomfortable.
38. Any pets? Sysco T. Dogg and Lefty the Pit
39. Have you ever loved someone? Most certainly
40. What really turns you on? Intelligence and wit. Gal's gotta have something going on upstairs.
41. What do you usually order from Starbucks? I order chai lattes even if I'm not at one of the roughly one billion outlets of the ultra-corporate coffee magnate.
42. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes...my Uncle Dee in Texas loves to take me out shooting assault rifles. Just at targets though.
43. Are you missing someone? Most certainly
44. Say something totally random about yourself. I am neurotic enough to be the love child of Woody Allen and Richard Lewis.
45. Do you have an iPod? You know it.
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? I get looks like Kevin "Silent Bob" Smith, which of course pisses me off. I get acts like Jack Black also, which is complimentary I guess.
47. What's your mom's name? Marsha, and please age the spelling right or she will freak out. I saw her go into a hissy fit once because Six Flags only had the Marcia spelling on those shitty little bicycle license plates.
48. Who would you like to see right now? That would be the lovely Brook.
49. Are you comfortable with your height? I'd like an extra inch or two. Wait, oh height? Yeah, I'm okay with my height.
50. Dogs or cats? Bow Wow Wow Yippy Yo Yippy Yay!
51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to be doing? Besides downloading music? Once or twice.
52. Favorite flower? The kind that lets me throw fire in Super Mario Bros.
53. Butter, plain, kettle,or salted popcorn? Not the biggest fan of popcorn in general, but if I am eating it lightly salted and buttered.
54. What books are you reading? "Snow Falling on Cedars" and "Capote", the biography from which the recent film is based.
55. Have you ever ridden in a limo? No....but I did drive a BMW.
56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? Not really close no, I've been lucky.
57. Do you watch MTV? NO! I don't have cable! How many damned times must I repeat myself!
58. What's something that really annoys you? People who eat with their mouths open. Oh your god! Must you chew that gum as if you were a cow?
59. What are some things you really like? Things? Like inanimate objects? We'll say good books, cold beers, baseball on the radio and world peace (which of course will never exist).
60. Do you like Michael Jackson? Of course, the man used to be a friggin' genius. That said, I am firmly against touching little boys where they pee. That is naughty. Not the good, please teach me a lesson mistress, kind of naughty, but the bad you should be in jail Michael kind of naughty.
61. Can you dance? Sadly no. For me rhythm is the funny word with no regular vowels in it.
62. Favorite football team? The Vikings of Minnesota who proudly carry on the Norse traditions of raping and pillaging.
63. Favorite breakfast food? Honey Bunches of Oats...unless I'm in Springfield, then it happens to be the latest bit of heaven from Martha's Pancake House.
64. Number 64 is disinclined to be part of this silly little survey.
65. What's the latest you have ever stayed out? I was at the Big 12 one night with Joel, Kandi and Persephone and we decided to drive to Memphis right then and there. All told, it was about a 35 hour night out.
66. When was the last time you went bowling? So long I cannot remember. Although the lovely Brook and I tried to go bowling and were informed the only option that night was Extreme Bowling. Which is to say, extremely expensive bowling as the cost was $35 for the night, plus shoes. Which might have been reasonable if we weren't walkin' in there at 11 in the p.m.
67. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Not rushed....those snooty fuckers think they can play god! Actually I've never spent the night in a hospital, I've never had anything surgically removed and I can count on one hand the number of prescriptions I've had for various ailments.
68. There is no 68. Scatchamagowza!
69. Whats your favorite state to live in? Again I'd like to answer the state of confusion, but instead I'll go with Missouri. It's where, predominantly, my friends are and it's where I've become the person I am.

Remember My Motto...Trink Bier und Sprite

Is it just me, or do you find it impossible to watch A Christmas Story without thinking about how the kid who stuck his tongue to the light pole is now a porn star?

What's that you say? You did not know Scott Schwartz was now a porn star?

Well it's true friends, the little boy you knew and loved from The Toy, Summer Switch and the underseen and underrated fertilizer classic Kidco has more recently starred in Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35, New Wave Hookers 5 and my personal favorite (In a titular way only I assure you.) The Wrong Snatch.

So I's at Tropical Liquers (south location) last night. For those not it the know, Tropical Liquers specializes in alcohol "filled" slushees. If you've ever been to the French Quarter you've seen about 50 different incarnations of Tropical Liquers, each of them undoubtedly filled with sorority girls who have one Sex on the Beach slurpee and then pretend to be so fucking wasted, thereby allowing them to ease their collective consciousnesses after shacking up with the first guy with Greek letters on his t-shirt to show interest. Whew!!! Bonus points for the last sentence? Anyone, anyone? It's something D-O-O economics. Voo-doo economics.

Now this is a place I'd ordinarily not choose to patronize, but my friend the J-Fo was there and I'd not had the opportunity to see her in awhile. So I reacquainted myself with my friend and also met her friend Yasmine from Germany.

[Editor's Note: The author is taking a stab at the spelling of Yasmine's name, opting for the policy of "If it's good enough for Baywatch it's good enough for me.]

Yasmine I learned, by the way, is the girlfriend of Jim, with whom I've hung out with once before and found to be a pretty cool guy.

So anyway Yasmine showed Jennifer and I this drink that is apparently sweeping the nation in Deutschland. It is the mixture of beer and soda, in this case Sprite.

Now I'm all for learning about foreign cultures so, despite my non-soda drinking ways, I tried a mix of Sprite and Bud Light. The result? Two things I don't like became one I like even less. Unlike I's, extra capital letters in first names and the Black Neil Diamond, I predict this combo will not be sweeping the nation on this side of the pond.

On the brighter side of things, I did learn David Hasselhoff does enjoy an almost perverse following in Germany. I also learned the band Scooter does exist and is quite popular, thereby making an inside joke I enjoy with exactly none of you even funnier.

Did you know Tropical Liquers has board games for patron use? J-Fo, Yasmine and I played some improvised from of Pictionary. My most embarrassing moment came when I was unable to think of how to draw Germany. Drawing an arrow pointed at Yasmine seemed like cheating.

So the NFL Conference Championship games are today. My bold prediction: Carolina and Denver advance to the Super Bowl.

[Editor's Note: Do not bet one damned dime on anything this silly bastard has to say about sports.]

I'm loaning my copy of The Constant Gardener to my friend Pipes the Pirater. I hope he makes scads of money on it, though I doubt it as the masses don't enjoy films requiring even the bare minimum of actual thought.

That means this is an intelligent, thought-provoking film. I want each of you to see it. See Pipes the Pirater if you'd like your own copy on the cheap.

A friend of mine turned me on to this guy named Matisyahu. Never heard of him? He's a Hasidic Jew who does hip-hop and reggae. Now the CD I have is of a live show and it's pretty good, but come on....a Hasidic Jew who does reggae and hip-hop? You had me at hello.

So I'm at work right now, where we recently switched from holiday tunes to muzak. I am now listening to a muzak "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" which was preceded by a muzak "Tears in Heaven" (which oddly sounded less like muzak than the original version).

Columbia's city council will discuss a measure next month that would ban smoking in every restaurant and bar in town. I'm a non-smoker, but I believe in the idea of personal choice here. Smoke can also lend ambiance to a bar. The Heidelberg is not the same without the tell-tale cloud hovering over every booth and patron.

You know what bar would seem less great? Snappers. Actually...no...that's not possible. Snapper's is heaven on Earth, and I was, in fact, testing you. Pass? No...then get thee to a Snapper's. Careful not to fall in the river or your boyfriend will kill your brother. (Thanks Will.)

So I'm trying to think of something to blog about today. I mean, I know I'm blogging right now, but I really want a theme if you know what I mean. Seriously folks, how much longer can I write about absolutely nothing of significance? I ain't friggin' Seinfeld here!!!

So Parade magazine put out its list of the world's worst dictators. Omar al-Bashir of the Sudan hung on to his top spot thanks to the hundreds of thousands killed and millions put from their homes in the last two years. You may not have heard of this man as we were fighting the truly evil and totally irrelevant monster over there in that Eye-Rack.

From the crazy leftist to the "United" States and the, formerly, United Nations (which are now mutually exclusive)...PULL YOUR HEADS FROM YOUR ASSES AND PUT THIS GUY IN A CELL!!!

Moving up the charts...with a bullet so to speak....is Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe. Under his "stewardship" Zimbabwe has inflation of 80 % and an AIDS rate of more than 20 %. Yikes! Life expectancy in Zimbabwe is 38 years! Unless of course you're Robert Mugabe, who is 81. Rank has its privileges.

Falling several spots in this years poll is that loveable bear of man Muammar al-Qaddafi, or as I like to call him...the Big Maq.

Incidentally Fidel Castro also lost a couple spots on this list, perhaps indicating someone at Parade magazine has an f-ing clue.

OK...classical music version of "Let it Be." Funnily enough I would argue the original was fairly classic.

Hey! I just met Albert White. He played ball for Mizzou a few years back. He's playing in a pro league in Korea now. Pretty nice guy.

Well that's enough for me kids, but remember this...do NOT allow your children to become miners. Minors: yes Miners: no

JeffRey

"We got to stop this messin' around, and keep the thing up tight."

A quick moment please for the great Wilson Pickett.

So my plan with this blog thing has been to write no more than one per day. However, I read the news and, well...gosh darn it there are just so many things to talk about with my friends.

Don't know if you caught this last week, but the "United" States "Supreme" Court handed down a ruling in support of an Oregon state law which allows for the prescription of pills that allow for terminally ill patients to take their own lives.

Oregon is the only state with this "assisted suicide" law on the books, and since the law's passage it has been the target of the Bush administration. Former (thankfully) attorney general John "Sieg Heil" Ashcroft even went so far as to threaten the medical licenses of any doctors who wrote prescriptions for these drugs.

Did I mention this law was passed by a vote of the Oregonian citizenry? Did I mention how much fun it is to say the words Oregonian Citizenry? The majority of the people of the state of Oregon felt this law was in their best interest. Of course Fuhrer Ashcroft, being both Republican and a devout Bible-thumper, has a much better idea of what is best for you than you, yourself ever could. So he attacks the law. He attacks anyone following the law.

Finally, thankfully cooler heads have prevailed. The court, in a 6-3 decision, upheld the Oregonian law as a state's rights issue. Among the dissenters were our new Chief Justice and, of course, Antonin Scalia. The pleasant surprise was the vote of Justice Kennedy, who appears primed to slide into the the "swing vote" chair soon to be vacated by Sandra Day O'Connor.

-----

Now earlier this week the Court handed down another ruling in favor of all us progressives who have dedicated our lives to the betterment of all peoples.

Many states have clauses calling for parental notification or support in order to provide abortions to teenagers. Now these clauses also provide exemptions should an abortion be necessary to save the life of the mother. A New Hampshire law provided no such exemption within its parental notification clause.

A lower court threw out the entire clause for lacking this exemption.

The "Supreme" Court, which has supported a woman's right to choose since the Roe v. Wade decision, sort of split the difference here. It agreed with the lower court's ruling that an exemption would be necessary to such a clause, but it returned the case to the lower court asking it to re-consider throwing out the entire law.

In summary: It may be in the best interest to notify parents of teens seeking an abortion, but not at the possible expense of the teen's life.

---

In Jefferson City, MO. a judge ruled in favor of a group seeking to get a stem-cell research initiative on the ballot this November. The case had gone to court over the wording of the title of the initiative.

See the wording of the title says human cloning will be banned. Now compare that to how the bill's opponents want the wording.

Opponents want it to read "all scientific progress since we discovered Earth was round should be banned."

See the difference there?

To be fair the bill does provide for some sort of research called "somatic cell nuclear transfer." Those words, I'm told, do mean cloning, and it was through this process Dolly the sheep was created. However, the initiative also states "no person may clone or attempt to clone a human being."

I know what you're thinking. Where's Weird Al when we need him? "I think I'm a clone now. There's always two of me just hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now. Cause every chromosome is a hand me down."

[Editor's Note: The author claims no specific knowledge of Weird Al lyrics. Should the above lyrics be incorrect, please interpret the quotation marks as an attempt on the author's part to further distance himself from Weird Al and all his demonic supporters, notable among them the E-squared.]

Okay kids those were just a few things caught on my radar in the last few days. Now...I'm gonna strut. No wait...I'm gonna listen to Wilson and just relax.

Til next time my pretties.

JeffRey

"You Don't Need the Bullet When You Got the Ballot. Are You Up for the Downstroke, CC?"

So in a chocolate city, would you support Ike Turner as the Secretary of the Treasury?

OK folks, seems Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans found the start of 2006 to be a little less exciting than the end of his 2005. So in a speech given on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Nagin predicted a post-Hurricane Katrina would be a "chocolate city at the end of the day." For the slow learners, that would mean a predominantly black population. He also stated his belief the devastating hurricane was god's will. Nagin has since been the butt of jokes from comics and political pundits alike. New Orleans and Louisiana tourism officials have also gone into heavy damage control as now is probably the least opportune time for a negative perception of a town dependent on tourist dollars.

Wordy enough paragraph for you?

Now I'm not going to ardently defend Nagin here. I spent a couple of weeks in Louisiana just after Katrina hit and while FEMA f--ked up on an astronomical scale, Mayor Ray didn't do his town any favors. That said....

New Orleans was before the storm, and most likely will continue to be after the storm, predominantly African-American. Mayor Ray Nagin is an African-American. He was speaking on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, a holiday established to celebrate the life of an African-American. Mayor Nagin was speaking to a group of...wait for it...African-Americans.

Like I said, I'm not wholly defending Mayor Nagin. The statement speaks, on some level, to racial separatism, an idea most would and should find abhorrent and which Dr. King dedicated his life to fighting against. However, I'm not going to condemn a man who is trying to lift the spirits of people who in the last few months have seen their entire lives turned upside-down.

It would be my hope Mayor Nagin's comment doesn't hinder efforts to get Louisiana the federal funding it needs to get back on its feet. There has been much doubt cast, by Republicans by the way, on Mayor Nagin (a Democrat) and Governor Kathleen Blanco (also a Democrat) as to their ability to properly handle the large numbers of dollars being asked for. The GOP being the GOP the integrity of Mayor Nagin and Governor Blanco has been called into question repeatedly as well.

So there you are. Hadn't planned on writing about this. Truthfully I hadn't even heard about what Nagin said until Brook told me about it. My ultimate take would be the quote was little more than a mishap. We didn't burn down Trent Lott when he waxed nostalgic for the days of the Strom Thurmond platform. Thurmond's platform, of course, running on a bedrock of real racism, making Lott's praise of it much more inflammatory than anything Nagin had to say. No, friends, this was a mis-step by Mayor Nagin and in a time of widespread GOP corruption, spin doctors are looking for any Democrat to throw some mud at.

Oooh...now I'm pissed. I had to do....FUCK!

OK, you kids have a good day. I'm going to take a sedative.

A Hero....Like the Sandwich

So Jared from Subway stayed at the hotel last night. I's able to resist the urge to wish death on him...verbally anyway. Actually I'd like Jared to choke to death eating the AFLAC duck.

I's also able to resist his offer of his six-incher...even after the threw an offer of teriyaki sauce into the deal.

The lovely Brook and I saw the film Hostel over the weekend. My review, in short....Holy Fuckin' Shit! It had all the elements of a great slasher flick: comedy, tits, blood, guts, a "monster" figure, sex, drugs, booze, a geek that gets killed relatively early....and Eastern Europe.

I'd just as soon not give away the plot twist, as it were. Suffice it to say I's pleased by this film-going experience. Brook enjoyed the film as well, thereby making it a successful comeback from the atrocity that was Wolf Creek.

OK, I'm at my parents right now. I had to pick up the hounds from hell, who spent the weekend at Ma and Pa's place whilst I visited Brook and company.

That means I want to leave and go back to Columbia's smallest apartment. It may be a shitty apartment, but it's my shitty apartment. At least for now. I soon hope to be co-habitating with the lovely Brook. As progress is made toward said end, I will keep each and every one of you (or just the one of you) informed.

Til next time friends remember....don't fall into the trap, Republicans are full of crap.

JeffRey

"Is Our Children Learning?"

Did anyone notice Mrs. Sammie Alito score off the charts on the Unintentional Comedy Scale with her little emotional outburst at her husband's confirmation hearing yesterday? Good stuff.

Brad and Angelina ended months of "who-are-they-fucking-kiddings" by announcing they are in fact...an item. Gasp! I say in mock surprise. Now, in something of an upset, anyone who had January 11th in the "When will they announce Angelina is pregnant" pool did quite well for themselves.

OK, countrypersons, lend my your ears...or eyes too as this is a written forum, we now go to the business at hand.

Over the three-day Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend, Vashon High School in St. Louis will see its entire freshman class and 65 seniors transfer out to remote campus locations. This exodus comes at the behest of the St. Louis Public Schools Superintendent as a response to the increasing instances of violence and the school's continued underperformance and sagging attendance rates.

The numbers for the freshman class are especially troubling as only 72 % of the students are in school on a given day and nearly half of the class is failing at least one course.

As for the violence, more than 4o students have been arrested in brawls since the new Vashon High opened in 2002, with the lion's share of that number coming in the last 18 months. More than half the students arrested....girls.

So Superintendent Creg (Creg?) Williams is hoping that easing some of the overcrowding burden will allow for an ease of tensions and a resulting environment more conducive to learning. The seniors, all students who are scheduled to graduate on time and have expressed an interest in pursuing higher education, will be finishing their high school coursework and taking two entry-level college courses at the St. Louis campus of the University of Missouri. The freshmen will establish a "9th-grade center" at a vacated middle school.

Four members of the Vashon faculty will make the move to UMSL and 15 teachers will join the new 9th-grade academy. Williams also announced that had there been a suitable facility, the 9th-graders from Roosevelt High School would have also been transferred out to form their own academy. Williams does plan to make that move at some point in the future as part of what he hopes to be systemwide reform in the city's schools.

The 9th grade centers will focus on discipline and individualized learning. The curriculum will be heavily geared toward math and literacy.

So 65 seniors are transferring out of Vashon. 266 freshmen are transferring out of Vashon. Vashon has a capacity just north of 1300. Now, I didn't receive one of those special educations that emphasizes math, but I believe those figures leave nearly one thousand students at Vashon, a school apparently not teaching our children properly.

Were these children....left behind? Perhaps because their school has not been...left a dime?

You know, I make fun of Bush and his people, but I really lack the bile some of my other liberal friends have for the administration. I disagree with nearly everything they do, but the word hate never really comes to mind. Then I read shit like this in the paper.

I went to public schools. I remember when the chances of one getting killed at school were zero. Not just because it didn't happen, but because no one could even conceive of it happening. I remember when classrooms weren't coked to the gills with students. I remember when a public school education left you better prepared for college and the subsequent "real" world than a private education did. I'm not that old. How have things gone so badly so quickly?

Does the religious right really have that firm a hold on our educational system now? Cause that's where a lot of this money is going to these days. School vouchers and tax breaks are making it easy for parents to yank their kids from the dangerous public schools, now declared failing and incompetent as well by an administration quick to cite tests and statistics established to ensure these schools would not make the mark. (Too long a sentence? Let me break it down: Tests were created with the intention most schools would not make the grade. See that way more money can go to these charter and private (read: parochial) schools without breaking all those silly church and state barriers.) Did you like the parenthetical notation within a parenthetical notation? Not sure if the rest of you can do that, but dummy English majors from public schools are allowed to exemplify their stupidity in any way they see fit.

Whew! I'm spent. I cannot say how much this story made me sad. How can we possibly justify our continued failure when it comes to educating our kids? With the public school systems in other developed nations flourishing, what are we doing wrong? Is it as simple as money? Accountability of schools and teachers? Are parents' not parenting? Are lawmakers just unable to comprehend the socio/economic differences of America's inner cities, the locale for most of these "failing" schools?

What can we do? How about broadening curriculum rather than narrowing it. How many of you went to schools that offered only Spanish as a foreign language? How many went to schools that had to cut theater, art and music programs? How many AP courses were offered at your high school? As funding continues to be channeled away from public schools, particularly in poorer counties, administrators are forced to cut more and more peripheral programs so as to be able to continue to support core-curriculum.

Now, I was an English major. I love to read, and generally speaking I consider myself one who has a love of learning and a thirst for knowledge. Despite these facts, I have never been able to enjoy reading a book I felt I was being forced to read.

The point to that aside? Imagine being in school and the only classes you have are classes someone is forcing you to take. There is no 3rd period respite in French, or 8th hour escape in art. You don't get to pick your own research topic in AP British Literature of AP American History.

Can even an enthusiastic student be reasonably expected to enjoy that sort of learning experience? Hardly. And it's hard to consistently perform well at something you do not in any way enjoy doing. Ooh...is that simple? Would schools succeed if only we, for the first time a long time, took measures to make them...fun.

I could go on and on, but I would only depress myself further.

I will speak with you all again soon, my friends.

JeffRey

"Here Come Da Judge! Here Come Da Judge."

So, friends, as we enter day three of the Sammie Alito confirmation hearings, it is time to take stock of what we've learned thus far.

One of the hot button issues is, of course, abortion. Alito is up for the seat vacated by Sandra Day O'Connor, who, despite her conservatism, routinely stood up for a woman's right to choose. The court currently rests in something of a deadlock, although newly appointed Chief Justice John Roberts has referred to Roe v. Wade as "settled law."

Whether Roberts is serious in this approach to precedent has yet to be seen, so the O'Connor seat is a big deal to Democrats and Republicans alike.

Alito, thus far in questioning, has expressed a respect for precedent. In respect to Roe v. Wade, however, he hasn't gone so far as to use the term "settled" despite attempts by Democratic lawmakers to urge him into such a statement.

The second day of hearings also brought a flurry of questions regarding Alito's membership in a Princeton alumni group which has, in the past, urged the university to abandon efforts to increase female and minority enrollment. When pressed, Alito was unable to remember the specifics of his membership in this group. Yeah....say Sammie, do you rent your DVD's at Wal-Mart.com?

The other real point of contention from day 2 concerned some conflicting statements and actions on the part of Alito. Seems at his confirmation hearings for a lower court in 1990, Alito pledged to recuse himself from any cases involving Vanguard Industries, a company in which he holds investments in the six figures.

Despite this pledge he did sit for a case involving Vanguard in 2002. He claims no wrongdoing and to not recuse himself was merely an oversight. He supporters back him up on this, and heck, if we can't trust them who can we trust?

One interesting position taken by Alito was the notion of the rigidity of the Bill of Rights. That is to say the Bill of Rights shall continue to exist as the law of the land even in times of war and crisis. Alito did not go so far as to condemn the warrantless wiretaps and surveillance being conducted by our current administration however.

The rest of the hearings thus far have been the standard confirmation stuff. Past decisions, opinions and positions are being torn apart in the search of inappropriate bias. Alito does have a track record of siding with the government and with big business, which sucks for me and most everyone reading this blog.

My personal feeling, and I'm not breaking ground here, is Alito will be confirmed rather easily. The republicans have a 10-seat advantage in the Senate, so it will take some convincing of the GOP to hold up this nomination. Either that or a filibuster on the part of the Democrats, which will of course result in the breaking loose of all hell.

We seem to have lucked out with Justice Roberts, who despite his pedigree appears to at least be a fair man. No earth-shattering cases have come before him as yet, so time will tell how his reign will affect progressive movement. Alito concerns me just a bit more. After the debacle with the nomination of his former cheerleader, the w. felt a need to hit a home run with his base.

So I guess the moral of this story is time will tell. I have to think the next president will get to nominate at least two justices of his own (look for Kennedy and the ageless Stevens to retire), so this is an exciting time for the Supreme Court. Should fortune finally smile on this nation again and a Democratic President and Senate be elected, there is no telling what sort of fight will take place over the nomination of "activist" judges.

Yeah, exciting stuff. Read your papers and watch your news. If that all fails, come back to your author. He'll make everything good.

Judiciously,

JeffRey

"S! A! F! E! T! Y! Safety!"

Hello little children. How are my favorite readers today?

So, has any among you heard these radio ads for some service called OnStar?

For those not in the know, OnStar is a service being offered by, I believe GM in all their new product lines. By having the OnStar computer and service installed in your car, you can be found and helped via satellite. Services provided include the unlocking of doors, car location and tracking in case of theft, diagnostic checks and emergency roadside services.

The radio ads are, allegedly, real calls placed by real customers to real customer service reps. They run the gamut from the mundane (i.e. keys locked in a car) to matters of life and death (i.e. collisions with injuries) to the just plain surreal and stupid (i.e. some lady running her car into a house?!?).

Now the ads are really annoying and I've learned to immediately switch radio stations when they begin playing. However, the other day I was listening to the radio at home and couldn't get to the volume in time to avoid hearing the latest ad.

Now I don't remember the particulars, something about bleeding from the head or a heart attack or something. The circumstances don't really matter as half the ads don't provide the resolution of their given situation. For all I know half these customers actually died. The point is this latest ad featured a tag line I had not heard before.

I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like this:

If you want to keep your family safe, you need to buy a car with OnStar

Holy F-ing Shite! Did Karl Rove take up writing their ad campaign? I don't know what's scarier, OnStar thinking this ad was a good idea or the fact I can never have a family now unless I buy a safe automobile.

The culture of fear permeating this country is scarier than any of the made-up fears being provided to us on an almost minute-by-minute basis. What with heightened threat levels, global warming (which is real, by the by) unsafe cars, threats to the American family unit by those gay-loving hippie liberals and now, (have you seen this?), re-called dog food, it's a surprise people go outside anymore.

OK, I'm finished here friends. You know how I'm gonna spend the rest of my day? I'm going to brave that scary outside world, driving around in my deathtrap car so that I might bring the important issues of the day to you...my friends and readers. When I know it, you'll know it.

Be Safe.

JeffRey

Danse Macabre

Sinister title eh? What could your beloved author be up this time?

Well faithful readers, I shall tell you.

On Sunday last, the Steelers of Pittsburgh and the Bengals of Cincinnati engaged in a professional football contest of the playoff variety. It had all the makings of a really good game. However, just a few minutes and two offensive plays into the game for the Bengals, quarterback Carson Palmer was hit in the knee. He tore two ligaments and quite obviously missed the remainder of the game. The Bengals went on to lose to the Steelers and were thusly eliminated from the playoffs.

Why is any of this important you may ask. Our author does not hail from Pittsburgh, nor has Cincinnati ever been his home. You would be correct, but here's the point.

As soon as I heard Palmer had blown out his knee and would not be returning to the game, my first thought was "hey, good for Pittsburgh." I had no concern for the well-being of Carson Palmer, who in a matter of seconds may have seen his career go down the drain. I only cared how his injury improved the chances of Pittsburgh winning. And I'm not even a Steelers fan.

But isn't that how it is with sports fans? We become so absorbed with the scoreboard and a win-at-all-costs mentality we lose sight of any everything else.

I'm a Cardinals fan. That'd be the St. Louis baseball Cardinals, though that should go without saying. I loathe the Cubs. I hate the Cubs more than nuclear war. I almost hate them as much as Jack Abramoff. If the Cubs played a team of 9 Charles Mansons I would would join the family.

I vividly remember Nomar Garciaparra sprawled out on the Busch Stadium dirt after his groin had literally exploded inside of him. My reaction? Uncontrolled glee. I danced the dance of death countless sports fans had ahead of me. In Philadelphia, Eagles fans once cheered as Michael Irvin was carted off the field following a neck injury. This guy was in a brace, potentially paralyzed, and people were cheering!

What is it about sports that brings the bloodlust? What does it say about individuals (read: me) that we acknowledge the changes sports can bring within us and we don't care? I cheered a man's groin exploding! And should another Cub blow up another part of his anatomy tomorrow, I will cheer again.

How is that not sociopathic? Am I safe because I don't have this desire to see the pain in all other people, just athletes? I mean I might laugh if I friend of mine falls down some stairs, but I don't want them to break a leg or anything. I don't think.

Oh well, no real point to this post except I was feeling a bit strange about the whole thing. I'm sure the next time Kerry Wood blows out his elbow I'll feel much better about things.

Til next time friends

JeffRey

Random Musings as My Life is Wasted Away at a Job I Loathe

Is that title too flowery? I wonder....

Have you ever seen the original King Kong? It's pretty good, but there is one scene that has always given me....the creeps motherfucker!!! (My little shout out to Mike Ness there.)

Okay, so Kong has just defeated the creature that looks like a giant snake, but actually has these little feet. He is climbing out of the valley, Fay Wray of course in hand, and comes out onto a bluff which overlooks all of Skull Island.

Now this is the scene where we really get a sense of Kong's enchantment with Ann Darrow (as played by Fay Wray, of course). He has her unconscious body in his paw and he begins...well, with all due respect, he begins to take her clothes off. Creepy right?

Well that is not all sports fans. He also begins nudging at her boobies with a couple of his fingers. Creepier still, and yet it does not end there.

He smells his fingers after poking at her boobies!! Kong! You're a damn, dirty ape!

Okay, children, with my little tangential aside now taken care we can get down to the nuts and bolts of today's posting....more tangential asides!

I work at a hotel. I hate how guests use the word "continental" when they're really asking if breakfast is "complimentary." Quick lesson friends: Continental generally refers to a spread of uncooked breakfast items. This would include your fruits, cold cereal and pastries. Now "complimentary"....well that means free. Continental breakfasts are generally complimentary. Complimentary breakfasts can be continental. Those facts do not mean Webster and his gang are changing any definitions any time soon.

I received an e-mail the other day alerting me to the fact several artists have already signed on for the Beale Street Music Festival. Perhaps better known as "Memphis in May", this is a concert festival I have attended the last few years and have, generally speaking had a good time at. Therefore, I ask for e-mail updates any time there's news. There's your backstory.

Now, imagine my surprise when I saw one of the artists was John Lee Hooker. The surprise, of course, not being one of those pleasant surprises in the "I'm excited he'll be playing there" kind of way. No, this surprise stems from my having been under the impression John Lee Hooker had been dead going on five years.

Turns out I was right. John Lee...regrettably pushing up daisies. Memphis in May, also right...welcoming his son, John Lee Hooker, Junior to the stage.

The lovely Brook pointed this next one out to me. On the road from Columbia to Jeff City there is a cemetery...with a dead end sign posted at the beginning of its driveway. Yeah...thanks for driving that point home cemetery owner.

Oooh...I just remembered. I have yet to share my January 2nd update with you. It may already be too late for a full blogging, but this must be shared. I saw a vending machine which dispenses live bait! Live bait from a vending machine! I took a picture. E-mail if you'd like a copy.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club will be in St. Louis on February 25th. They're playing Mississippi Nights, where I haven't been in several years. Pretty excited.

Hey, have any of you seen the film 9 Songs? I swapped some old DVD's at Slackers and grabbed it, without having previously seen it, as I had heard the concert footage of bands like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, the Dandy Warhols, Franz Ferdinand and the Super Furry Animals is really good.

Now the concert footage was quite good, but I must forewarn any who may contemplate seeing this film. It's a story of a relationship and the story moves forward as the young man and woman go to these various concerts. Now when they're not at concerts...they are, uh, enjoying one another's company you might say.

I had heard the sex was a little explicit in this film. Wasn't expecting penetration and money shots. Yup...not expecting those things. But guess what....I saw them. They're in the movie.

So, decent story, real good concert footage, penetration and a money shot. All for $16.99 retail.

Still hatin' on Wal-Mart...bunch of racists.

Saw my first basketball game at Mizzou's new arena last night. They won. Thanks for the ticket JoNathan.

OK....that wasted about 13 minutes. Only hours to go. I need a new job.

The guy from Beverly Hills called me today. Haven't listened to the message yet. When I know something. You all will know something.

Courage

JeffRey

Watch Out for Falling Prices....Oh, and the Klansmen

So this interesting little tidbit of information came across my desk today....

[Editor's Note: The author owns no desk, this is merely a figure of speech or his pathetic attempt at impressing you.]

Yeah, thanks...anyway, as I was saying....this item came to my attention today.

Seems Wal-Mart is finding itself needing to apologize to, well, all decent-minded people in the world concerning a "problem" with some new services they're providing.

See Wal-Mart, feeling it necessary to have its fingers in every commercial pie on Earth, has begun it's own internet movie rental business, hoping to mine some of the success enjoyed by Netflix and Blockbuster.

I'm sure we all have some idea as to how these sites work, so I'll not be their salesman, but you may not be familiar with one particular service offered. See Netflix and Blockbuster, based on an individual's rental history, will make recommendations of other films one might enjoy.

Basic example: "Hey there Customer X, you rented Armageddon. Therefore, you might enjoy the rest of Michael Bay's mindless pap."

Now the merits of this service can be debated by other bloggers on other blogs, but I'm sure someone finds it useful as all these internet rental companies provide it. So Wal-Mart, in the spirit of keeping up with the Jones' and then destroying them, created its own automated recommendation service. Can you just feel where this is going?

Seems on Wal-Mart's site, unlike its competitors, the customer profiling has gone to an entirely new level. On Wal-Mart's site if you, for reasons I cannot imagine, rent Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes, you will be provided with a roster of recommendations. Among them, I'm sure, would be the rest of the Tim Burton catalog, perhaps Gorillas in the Mist and without a doubt the noted Matt LeBlanc classic Ed. Unfortunately you will also have recommended for you biopics and documentaries about folk like Martin Luther King, Dorothy Dandridge and Tina Turner.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

Wal-Mart claims no knowledge of how their software made such connections. Here's my theory:

Some racist motherfucker at the corporate giant thought it would be funny.

JESUS H. CHRIST!!!

You know, I thought I had enough reasons already to never shop at Wal-Mart. Now they're providing a list of why their stores should be fire-bombed. (Wal-Mart.com movie connection=Backdraft)

I really wanted to start this post with the happy thought of the day. Seems Tom DeLay (Justice as much as he can.) will not be seeking to re-assume his post as Senate Majority Leader. Yeah, turns out he might be in prison.

That just doesn't bring as big a smile as it should to my lips today. I really fucking hate Wal-Mart.

Til next time friends.

JeffRey

"He is I, and I am him, slim with the tilted brim. What's my motherfuckin' name?"

Just a quick one here kiddies:

So I's watching the Penn State-Florida State game last night with Girth and Beahan. One of the Penn State players highlighted was named BranDon. Not Brandon, mind you, but BranDon.

Now, I've heard of the whole second capital letter thing before, but it's always with names that seem like they should have it. You know, like LeBron or DeAndre or maybe JeVarr. This guy's name is Brandon. I have a cousin named Brandon.

So in recognition of the fact anyone and everyone may have a second capital letter, I am now requesting any correspondence sent my way address me by the new spelling of my name. I am no longer Jeffrey, but rather JeffRey.

I humbly ask each and every one of you to honor this request with the respect it so richly deserves.

GoodBye

"A World in White Gets Underway"

You know, I'm not really the biggest U2 fan anymore, but it occurs to me I have now utilized their lyrics not once, nor twice, but indeed thrice for post titles. Curious......

Well enough of that blathering blatherskite, it's time for blogging!

Happy thought of the day: Jack Abramoff getting to know his new buddies in the yard. Drop the soap Jack. Drop the soap.

Well my droogs, as promised to you on Tuesday last [Editor's Note: Yesterday for the non-pretentious bastards.] I am now writing of my own personal New Year's Day here in Year of 38% of the world's lord 2006.

Last we left, the lovely Brook and I had enjoyed a delightful time at a party hosted by friends Amy, Liz and Anne. Drinks were drank, songs were sung, laughs were laughed and good times were...gooded? No we'll just go with good times were had.

So the next morning started out a bit later in the day than might normally be the case. Excepting this was, of course, Sunday so maybe the day started exactly when it should have. Anyway...you know I digress quite a bit. Is it distracting for you, dear readers? or perhaps just reader? or maybe even just me? Whatev.

Our plans for that Sunday began with a nice lunch with two dear old friends of mine, Randolph and Keri (a.k.a. The Big O). Randy and I have been boyz since back in the day in St. Chuck, so seeing him and his long-time lady friend was a nice holiday treat. And Brook was finally able to see me around friends outside a party atmosphere. You follow me here? I love hanging with my peeps at parties, but you really can't be yourself. Randolph are pals from way back so this was a nice relaxing experience.

Lunch was had at the new Olde Heidelberg. Interesting sidenote here, I have actually been to Heidelberg, Germany. I used to have this great bumper sticker from the University of Heidelberg. But then I killed that car. I mean I killed it dead. I also killed the car in front of me and the car in front of that car. I miss that car....and the sticker.

So yes, lunch, that's where we were. I had a vegetarian wrap, which I am pleased to say, was quite good. The real entertainment came from Randy and his salad. I think it was a grilled chicken salad, with raspberry vinaigrette dressing, but that's sort of incidental to the story. Randy went on a bit about how much he wanted a salad, with pepper on it. So he got his salad, put some pepper on it, and proceeded to take great care in the cutting of the bits o' chicken and the large lettuce leaves. Finally, after all this preparation, he ate like 9 bites.

Other entertainment was provided by the Kansas City Chiefs. Now, I hate the Chiefs. Not like I hate Jack Abramoff, but sort of like how I hate Newt Gingrich. However, Brook is a Chiefs enthusiast, so for this one day I became a Chiefs fan also. The Chiefs flat out whacked the Bengals in this game and Larry Johnson continued to show he may be the best running back in football. Sorry LT. Oh, and Priest....I'd put that house on the market buddy. As long as Johnson doesn't end up in jail, where he belongs, for beating up on the ladies this job is his for a long time coming.

Also, little bit of love to Dick Vermeil. I hate the way you left the Rams, but you're a good guy. *Tear*

So the last couple of paragraphs might have been a little superfluous, but I sort of enjoy that kind of thing.

So everybody got along well, which is good as Randy is one of my oldest and best friends, I love the Big O and well...I Love the lovely Brook.

It was an especially nice day weather wise in town on the 1st, so Brook and I took opportunity to walk around downtown for a bit before heading back to mid-Missouri's smallest apartment. Here we watched a couple of episodes of Arrested Development, which afforded me the opportunity to, once again, bemoan the replacement of the original Marta while at the same time basking in the comedic glory that are Buster and Gob.

There was, however, a storm brewing. Off in the horizon...danger approached. It came westward and carried with it a hint of....disaster. This looming presence....my parents.

Yes Mom and Dad were coming to town. Now, it's worth mentioning I love my parents. I really do. And I set up their coming to town as I wanted them to meet Brook. Now this is noteworthy as the lovely Brook is the first ladyfriend I've had in which I sought out a meeting between she and the parents. That all said, my parents are...well they're parents. And parents, according to Webster, are, in fact, nuts. Not actual nuts like pecans or cashews, but nuts as in crazy, like Nader voters.

So I approached this meeting with trepidation. On top of all this, I decided today would be the day Ma & Pa would see all of my tattoos. See, friends, based on their reactions to the first four or 5 inkings, I took it upon myself to conceal my subsequent body art. This came less from fear of their reaction toward me, but rather more from their capacity to internalize. Let's break it down ACT-style:

Tattoos are to bad parenting as No Tattoos are to ______

A. Albuquerque
B. Green
C. Laissez faire
D. Good Parenting

The answer there, of course, would be "D" if you're my parents and either "A", "B", or "C" if you enjoy living life in the abstract.

[Editor's Note: For a full description of the author's tattoos, please reference the previous post entitled I Ink Therefore I Am.]

Turns out, naturally, I need not have worried. My folks took us out for dinner at Addison's, where I'd never eaten before but quite enjoyed. Brook was her usual charming and engaging self and had my Moms gushing on a subsequent phone call. Dad was his usual quiet, sort of stoic self, which Brook initially interpreted as some sort of perpetual anger. I informed her many have made a similar miscalculation and Dad was just being Dad.

Oooh, earlier in the day we all went to Streetside Records. Brook made the wise purchase of a cd from the Faint, while mother foolishly scoffed at my musical tastes prior to her purchase of a cd from Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. Yup, Ma....the bad taste is totally on this side of the table.

So all in all, a most successful day. As few things were open on the 1st, Ma & Pa took leave shortly after dinner. Brook and I settled in for our last night together for awhile. We had some more Cold Duck and sampled a little of Andre's Strawberry as well. Andre...you are a friend.

We watched a few more episodes of Arrested Development and about half of Series 7: The Contenders. A film which, by the by, is friggin' sweet.

We did not have opportunity to watch either Blood Simple or Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, so Brook borrowed them to watch on her own. If there were any doubts as to her coolness, I hope that last sentence silenced them all.

So that was New Year's Day. There are some stories from the day after worth telling, but this post is already too long. So stay tuned fans for tales of live bait and Italian sausage.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And days of auld lang syne?"

Ah...the new year has come. But wait, what's that you say little crackers? You wanna hear the story of you devoted author's New Year's Eve celebration? Well, normally I would never take requests. I mean, come on, the blog title has the word narcissim in it. However, since I'm fully aware of just how interested you, my faithful readers, are in all aspects of my life...I will tell you the story of my celebratory weekend.

The weekend started for me on Friday, as I'm sure it did for anyone who makes use of the traditional days of the week. Once I got off work on Friday I made for Jefferson City, Missouri (Where you can Feel the history.) to meet the lovely Brook and her folks. See the folks were on their way to Warrensburg, Missouri (Where the visitor's bureau would prefer you just look at the history.). The lovely Brook, quite happily for me, was on her way back with me to our hometown so that we might celebrate the holiday together.

First however, we dined at El Jimador. For those of you less worldly types who speak no Spanish, El Jimador translates roughly into "man this is a big f-ing menu."

I mean really...how many f-ing burrito specials does a restaurant need? It was like hearing Bubba tell you how many ways shrimp can be prepared. We go burrito sandwiches, burrito stew, barbecued burrito......You get the idea.

So anyway, after taking a hour to read the menu and 20 minutes to have dinner, Brook and I headed back home to mid-Missouri's smallest apartment, to enjoy a leisurely evening to ourselves. We watched the fantastically great Sin City, which Brook had, up to that night, tragically never seen before. Brook enjoyed it quite a bit and I was reminded of just how great a filmmaker Robert Rodriguez can be when he isn't making his kiddie bullshit.

So yeah, the next morning began rather early for me as I had to spend the day at the hotel which has me in its employ. So while Brook was able to sleep in, hang out with the dogs and watch Arrested Development, I was fortunate enough to cater to rednecks, stodgy old folk and assorted other salt of the earth who sought out the multitude of parties being thrown at the Inn. Great.....

Anyway, the day finally ended and I was able to catch a couple of z's before getting gussied up for the evening's shindig at the house of Liz, Amy and Anne. Brook looked fabulous in her black dress while I sported the navy suit and was rockin' fuchsia shirt with a purple tie. Now, I look sort of strange wearing nice clothes, but this combo RAWKED!

The party was a blast. Brook and I supped on the very best Andre Cold Duck champagne. (On sale 3 for 9 dollars at your local Gerbe's) I was able to see some old friends, including the recently married Shawn and Shelley Parker. It was nice because it was after Shawn and Shelley's reception that Brook and I were able to re-connect. Anyway, another story for another time.

Karaoke was going on all over the place. I absolutely disgraced Neil Diamond with my take on Sweet Caroline. Brook took a pretty good turn at You're So Vain, a song Carly Simon may or may not have been directing at either James Taylor, Warren Beatty or Cat Stevens and I'm pretty sure Brook was not directing at myself. The non-Jeff singing low-light may have been turned in by Steven and Josh who "sang" a duet of Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay. All I can say is I wanted to jump in a bay and thank goodness Otis is already dead or that would have finished him off for sure. And quite frankly, a murder investigation just doesn't make for good partying.

[Editor's Note: Party is not an f-ing verb moron.]

So was it just me or did Dick Clark look like a stroke victim on TV that night? What's that? He did? Huh...well aren't I the asshole then?

Anyway, did you know how intoxicating Cold Duck can be? It looks like juice...but it's really jack you up juice. I like it a lot.

Oh, by the by, JFo should you be reading this I apologize profusely for not making it to your shindig. I had fully intended to and then...well it was the Cold Duck.

OK...I'm bored with this for now. That was New Year's Eve. Check back later for the New Year's Day re-cap.