All the while they doin' it doggystyle

So I've got these dogs. One is named Sysco T. Dogg and the other is Lefty the Pit. Collectively, I like to call them the hounds of hell.

Each has some...interesting personality quirks. Sysco loves to eat garbage and drink from the toilet...despite the presence of food and water bowls at his disposal.

Lefty, generally speaking, is a total narcissist and looks toward me with a fair amount of apathy...until I either have company over or am speaking on the phone.

Now, since I loathe my current apartment, the only company I have is the lovely Brook, who also happens to be the one I am generally speaking to on the phone when I am at home. At these times, I become the center of Lefty's universe. He crawls about me like I'm a jungle gym and gets his dog snout right up in my grill yo.

Now I might be able to pass this off as some sort of cute jealousy thing if not for one fact....Lefty, buddy, can you put the red rocket away while you climb on me?

My dogs also have this love/hate relationship between each other. Sysco is an old beagle mutt, who has very little patience for Lefty's puppy ways. Lefty can be a very playful sort who just wants Sysco to join in his fun and games. Lefty's means to that end include pawing at Sysco's face and sitting on Sysco's head. Needless to say neither is received especially warmly.

Lefty also strikes fear into one of my neighbors, specifically for being a pit bull. Is that a form of racism? Lefty is very sweet, but does have the appearance of a bloodthirsty killer. He also has shown an almost Houdini-esque talent for escaping his harness. And when he can't fool the harness with his rubber-man like moves, he simply tears the thing from his body with those jaws that will one day be called upon to kill someone in order to save my life.

Now when Lefty gets loose he doesn't wander far from the apartment, so the only real issue is the constant state of fear my neighbor lives in.

Sysco on the other hand...when he gets free it's head for the hills time. He is what NFL scouts might call "sneaky fast." I've actually lost him a handful of times and just had to wait until he showed back up at the human society doggie jail from which I sprang him so many years ago.

Now his wanderlust has waned as he has aged, but every now and then he still gets loose and shows a reckless abandon that might be admirable if not altogether terrifying. Busy traffic? No problem. Treacherous woods? No problem. Your owner calling your bitch-ass name as your run from him and his bare-footed self? No problem.

Now more often than not I am able to run him down, but get this. He won't walk back to the house with me. He either lies still where I caught him, and that could be anywhere (busy roads again not exempted), or he walks the opposite direction. So I am generally left with having to carry him back, as in my haste to fetch him I rarely have a leash in hand.

Okay, so those are the Hounds of Hell and their quirks, but I've yet to share what might be the most alarming problem. Despite what would seem to be an incompatibility, I have often caught the dogs....to put it bluntly....licking each other's balls.

Now, I'm no prude, but I'd rather they not do this when I have company over. I also have to ask...is this just a case of two kids curious about their bodies? Or maybe two youngsters experimenting with their sexuality? Are they hoping the GOP is right and a marriage of animal to man is the obvious next step should gay marriage finally be legally recognized? Enquiring minds want to know.

Woof

JeffRey