"S! A! F! E! T! Y! Safety!"

Hello little children. How are my favorite readers today?

So, has any among you heard these radio ads for some service called OnStar?

For those not in the know, OnStar is a service being offered by, I believe GM in all their new product lines. By having the OnStar computer and service installed in your car, you can be found and helped via satellite. Services provided include the unlocking of doors, car location and tracking in case of theft, diagnostic checks and emergency roadside services.

The radio ads are, allegedly, real calls placed by real customers to real customer service reps. They run the gamut from the mundane (i.e. keys locked in a car) to matters of life and death (i.e. collisions with injuries) to the just plain surreal and stupid (i.e. some lady running her car into a house?!?).

Now the ads are really annoying and I've learned to immediately switch radio stations when they begin playing. However, the other day I was listening to the radio at home and couldn't get to the volume in time to avoid hearing the latest ad.

Now I don't remember the particulars, something about bleeding from the head or a heart attack or something. The circumstances don't really matter as half the ads don't provide the resolution of their given situation. For all I know half these customers actually died. The point is this latest ad featured a tag line I had not heard before.

I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like this:

If you want to keep your family safe, you need to buy a car with OnStar

Holy F-ing Shite! Did Karl Rove take up writing their ad campaign? I don't know what's scarier, OnStar thinking this ad was a good idea or the fact I can never have a family now unless I buy a safe automobile.

The culture of fear permeating this country is scarier than any of the made-up fears being provided to us on an almost minute-by-minute basis. What with heightened threat levels, global warming (which is real, by the by) unsafe cars, threats to the American family unit by those gay-loving hippie liberals and now, (have you seen this?), re-called dog food, it's a surprise people go outside anymore.

OK, I'm finished here friends. You know how I'm gonna spend the rest of my day? I'm going to brave that scary outside world, driving around in my deathtrap car so that I might bring the important issues of the day to you...my friends and readers. When I know it, you'll know it.

Be Safe.

JeffRey