R.I.P. Doctor Reverend Jerry Falwell

[Editor's Note: "P" is for Purgatory.]

Hey kids!

Let me first begin by informing you it is my sincere hope to have the final installment of the Memphis in May re-cap up by the end of the weekend. In the interim, I could not possibly allow the passing of a senior Gestapo official to go unrecognized.

It's funny, because generally speaking I'm of the opinion that when someone dies, no matter who that person may have been, it's a little bit sad.

Then the Reverend Jerry Falwell kicks the bucket and makes that assertion about as valid as the Doctor title he so loved to apply to himself.

[Editor's Note: The Reverend Falwell was given honorary doctorates by three different theological schools, including one in South Korea. Only one of the three schools, Temple Baptist Seminary in Tennessee, is accredited. It is worth mentioning however Temple Baptist's accreditation does go all the way back to the year....2000. In an unrelated story, as your author was often called Mr. T. by teachers in grade school he will now officially assume the title of "Pitier of Fools."]

Seriously, how can one not rejoice when a famed racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, hate and fear mongering motherfucker goes the way of the dodo?

[Editor's Note: The term "motherfucker" in the sentence prior is a shout out to the esteemed Mr. Flynt. May your colostomy bag be emptied on the not so good reverend's grave.]

I would list all of Mr. Falwell's (he is undeserving of any title) failures as a human being, but this computer lacks the bandwidth. So let's hit the highlights...

• He spearheaded production of The Clinton Chronicles, an "investigative" report alleging former U.S. President and all around great man Bill Clinton had aide Vince Foster killed and was involved in an intricate cocaine smuggling ring.
• He blamed the attacks of 9/11 on, make sure you get all of these, "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians, the ACLU and the People For The American Way." Extra points deducted from Mr. Falwell for excessive use of the word "and."
• He accused the noted personality of children's entertainment Tinky Winky of being a hidden homosexual influence on children.
• He asserted when the Antichrist does come he "must be, of necessity, a Jewish male."
• He encouraged American investment in the Apartheid-era South Africa, labelling Nobel Peace Prize winner Desmond Tutu a phony in his representation of the black people of South Africa.
• He was for many years a strong supporter of segregation and denounced the Supreme Court for turning its back on god's word in the landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling.

Wow, makes you wonder how he died of cardiac arrest. The fucker didn't have a heart.

Okay, I'm done. Fuck this guy. I'm honestly glad he's dead. The world is legitimately safer without him around.

JeffRey

Memphis in May - A Tale in Three Parts...continued...

Okay kids, last time we spoke I had just finished acting a fool over the course of Friday night. We now pick up with apologies having been given and accepted...

Part II: "Why Can't We Be Friends?"

Saturday had the fewest number of must see bands for us so we began the day on Beale Street taking in some of the sights and sounds.

Lunch was had a my BBQ place of choice whilst in Memphis, Pig on Beale BBQ (a.k.a. Pork With an Attitude). I went with the Pork BBQ Nachos while Mr. Tippit dined upon the Beef Brisket Sandwich. Now the Lovely Brook is, if I haven't mentioned this before I apologize, a vegetarian. Beale Street doesn't offer quite as much stuff for vegetarians. She went with the cheese fries, a menu option available in meatless form in most BBQ establishments as it does contain enough brown and yellow items to qualify as a dish.

After lunch we sat on the patio of the famed Silky O'Sullivan's. Silky's is an Irish pub featuring blues bands and acoustic guitars on the outside with dueling pianos on the inside. It also features goats that enjoy a tall cold Budweiser from time to time. Sadly, the goats were kept in their pen during the duration of our visit so the time honored tradition of giving goats beer could not be observed.

Silky himself was on hand to emcee the day's proceedings and introduce the varied musical guests on hand in the courtyard. Also on hand....was the Diver.

The Diver comes in a big yellow bucket and is meant to be drank in groups via elongated straws. The exact ingredients are a secret, but it is Miller Lite based, to which a big cup of red stuff is added. I have at different times had bartenders and waitstaff give me some hints as to what is in "the red stuff." If each is to be believed the Diver also contains red wine, rum, grenadine, various fruit juices and other liquors whose identities cannot be divulged.

You know what, I don't know what's in it and I don't want to know. All I can tell you is it tastes like bubble gum and once your group has polished off a couple you are well on your way to intoxication.

The Lovely Brook, Mr. Tippit and I had three Divers after lunch on Saturday. For the mathematically challenged that averages to out to one per person. Now like I said they are beer based and probably hold 5 or 6 beers. This is on top of the "Big Ass Beer" we had at lunch. You'd think we were Senators.

Actually, to be fair we were in Silky's for several hours. It was a beautiful day weather wise, there weren't any bands we had to hear early in the day and dammit...we were on vacation!

Okay, so my theme for Saturday, and this was largely fueled by alcohol, was to make as many friends as I possibly could. As such I introduced myself to roughly 23.6% of the metropolitan Memphis area. I have photographs with people I do not recall ever having met. What is cool is I've been informed that when in the moment with my new friends I had a memory like a steel trap. I remember names and important details gleamed from every encounter. It's sort of like the theory put forth in the cinematic classic Beerfest stating memories accrued when drunk will be forgotten in a sober state, but instantly retrievable once drunk again.

Genius.

The most interesting picture I came away with was of a couple holding what looked to be a pagan statue of a hawk skeleton - god of some sort. It was a nice contrast to all the bible thumpers carrying signs telling us of God's displeasure with drunkenness, sodomy and fornication. Which again begs the question....who seriously is against sodomy?

Oooh, plus in hell we get condoms.

The Jesus Freaks are actually pretty funny because they will go all out to ruin someone's good time and as far as I can tell they've never actually convinced someone to stop at the corner and Front and Beale, turn around and make their way toward the closest place of worship. This year there was a guy on a bullhorn telling us of our fate in surround sound.....sweet.

Oh, another thing. I know those of you who, like me, love the city of New Orleans, may have been concerned as to what became of the $10 t-shirt vendors. Don't worry, they all moved to Memphis. The Lovely Brook and I each patronized them by purchasing 2007 Beale Street Music Festival shirts, which were both cheaper and cooler than the ones actually being sold inside the event.

Okay, fast forward to the concerts. First we were once again treated with Fruit Mentos. Musically, we began the day by listening to guitar god Kenny Wayne Shepherd. We were a ways away from the stage, but Kenny is one of those acts you can listen to and don't really have to watch. So we got close enough to hear him tear it up and sat down on some of the comfortable grass.

Following Kenny came the jewel of the weekend. Australian hard rockers Wolfmother took the stage and pretty much melted my face off. If you haven't listened to these guys you need to treat yourself. Imagine Black Sabbath era Ozzy Osbourne singing lead for Led Zepplin crossed with a little bit of Queens of the Stone Age and you start to get the idea. These guys have only one full length album out so far but I predict greatness for the boys from Down Under.

This really was the best show of the weekend. Mr. Tippit, who had never heard them before I played their CD for him agrees. The Lovely Brook agrees. We're three cool kids with excellent, but varied, tastes in music. If we say it was great....it was great.

The night finished with rock and blues legend George Thorogood. He asked us who do we love. We told him we loved him. He told us how bad he was...to the bone in fact. He ordered one bourbon, one scotch and one beer. He's not my favorite guy in the world but he is a living legend and how many times can you see one of those in concert?

Now the rest of the night sort of devolved into drinking and making friends. No real specific memories except eating some damn fine fried catfish in the Blues City Cafe. Mr. Tippit had the rack o' ribs while the Lovely Brook tackled a big ol' Brownie. Our waiter was named Andre, so we had Our Dinner With Andre. I do recall a prick wearing a Girls Gone Wild hat who seemed less than amused by my attempt to make friends, but that is of no consequence as I have plenty.

Okay, that's about it for Saturday kids. Stay tuned as I wrap up the weekend in the very near future.

SATURDAY SUMMARY

Bands Seen or Heard:

Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Wolfmother
George Thorogood

Products/Establishments Gaining Endorsement:

Pig on Beale
The Diver
Blues City Cafe
Mobil on the Run (specifically for their hot dog sale)
Memphis Visitor's Information Center (for providing a spot for free parking)

Positive Comments Regarding my "Fighting for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity" T-Shirt: 8

Negative Comments Regarding Said T-Shirt: 0

Number of Offers to Buy Said Shirt Off My Back: 1

Amount of Offer: $20

Number of Offers to Buy Said Shirt Accepted: 0

Til next time boys and girls....

JeffRey

Memphis in May - A Tale in Three Parts

Okay kids, it's finally here. Feast your eyes on the first installment of my Memphis in May chronicles.

Part I: It's Friday, I Am Drunk.

I won't bother you with any particular details of the drive from Columbia, MO to Memphis, TN except to say it included the Lovely Brook and I stopping in St. Charles to pick up our good pal Mr. Tippit, my first experience eating a Lion's Choice, rain and dark clouds provided a portent of unpleasant weather and we didn't make quite as good of time as I might have hoped.

This last point is key as one of the first bands to play Friday evening was the North Mississippi All-Stars, a band I enjoy and wanted very much to see. If you've never heard these guys play you need to go online or some such thing and check 'em out. Sometimes they're blues, sometimes they're a jam-rock band and sometimes they're even bluegrass.

Anyway, by the time we checked into our Days Inn that I'm told was actually still within the city limits of Memphis, we made the long trip back to the riverfront and Tom Lee Park for the Beale Street Music Festival. Now, as I said we were running behind, but I did get to hear several songs from the NM All-Stars as we waited in line to get into the park, so that made me happy.

Our group was also treated to a free roll of Mentos as we entered the park. Fruit Mentos to be precise and it was a treat repeated each of the three days we were in town.

Also saw "The Killer" on stage Friday night. That's right Mr. Jerry Lee Lewis treated the hometown fans to some classic tunes. He's not quite the Jerry Lee as played by Dennis Quaid anymore, but the old guy could still belt it out a bit.

Now the rest of the night is...kind of an in and out thing for me memory-wise. We had only eaten lunch since our late arrival precluded us from eating dinner. I was not wise enough to eat inside the park so those Budweiser tallboys started sneaking up on me fairly quickly. We did get to see So-Cal punk legends Social Distortion. Now I had seen Social D several times in concert prior, so I knew the greatness about to hit the stage. The Lovely Brook is familiar with their stuff, but had never seen them live. Mr. Tippit knew one or two songs and that was it. So it delighted me they were able to see just how great this punk outfit of the late 80's and early 90's really is. The band is releasing a Greatest Hits on June 26th. I highly recommend it for each and every one of you.

Mr. Tippit has since informed me he found Social D to be one of the two best performances he saw over the weekend. He celebrated their show by prancing about and waving his Bryant Heating and Air Conditioning fan with pride. Now I'm pretty sure he knew the band wasn't called Bryant so I don't know why he kept yelling that particular word. The guys standing in front of him didn't really now either and didn't find it one tenth as amusing as the Lovely Brook and I did. Oh well...the set from Social D kicked ass.

Now the band I really wanted to see Friday night was Iggy and the Stooges. For those unaware, Iggy would be Iggy Pop and the Stooges would be his old band from back in the day, newly re-formed. These guys are the Godfathers of Punk Rock and seeing them in concert meant seeing an actual living legend. Anyway, like I said what I recall of their set rocked. Iggy invited all those lucky enough to have backstage passes onto the stage with him as the band played. It was a nice mix of their great old stuff and their pretty good new stuff.

Yeah, the boys in the band sounded pretty good. You'd think 30 years of hard living would take it out of a guy, but Iggy still has got what it takes to rock out. Of course at this point in the show I was a little less discerning.

Also playing on Friday night were the hometown heroes of the Three 6 Mafia. You might know these guys from their Academy Award winning ditty "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp." (Which I did end up hearing live along with one other tune) This is where the trouble started. I wanted to see Iggy Pop more than anything. The Lovely Brook had become a little perturbed with me because I missed seeing two guys bump into here, rather hard I'm told, and then laugh about it. She was pretty pissed at me over this, so she decided to leave me and Tippit and go see the Three 6 Mafia. So this pissed me off, and I was not at the level of intoxication to take being pissed off very well. I said some things that weren't very nice.

Incidentally, we're establishing a Today's Motherfucker first by applying said title to myself for the Friday night I spent in Memphis, Tennessee. I got way too drunk in the not nice way and acted completely inappropriately and hopefully completely out of character.

And the night didn't end with the events described. Mr. Tippit was able to make the peace long enough to get us up on Beale Street, before Brook and I argued again over...something. I don't recall and it's probably not important anyway. What is important is at this point I apparently disappeared. My cellie had not been charged so I couldn't be reached by phone. I was for all intents and purposes lost in the City of Memphis.

Actually, I was sleeping in my car. But Brook and Chris didn't know that, so after some futile searching they called a cab to take them back to the hotel. At that point they attempted to find out if I'd perhaps been....I don't know, arrested maybe. (DID NOT HAPPEN!) They also called some hospitals to see if I'd turned up there, but I hadn't...since I was in my car.

Oooh, another thing from this night. Apparently around 2 p.m. I called Brook and tried to make nice-nice by suggesting I "take her to bed." Only problem was I had cruised one spot beyond BROOK in my speed dial and landed on BROOK'S FOLKS. Yeah, Brook's mom heard something I would just as soon have not had her hear. Thankfully I did not curse and Charlotte is a nice lady and good sport who likes me.

Anyway, that was Friday for the most part. I woke up in my car around 7:30 a.m. and made my way back to the hotel. Apologies were profuse and I assure you the rest of the story is much more pleasant. Sadly, the rest of the story will have to wait for another time as I have to be at work soon.

FRIDAY SUMMARY

Bands Seen or Heard:

North Mississippi All-Stars
Gov't Mule
Jerry Lee Lewis
Social Distortion
Iggy and the Stooges
Three 6 Mafia

Products/Establishments Gaining Endorsement:

Lion's Choice
Budweiser
Silky o' Sullivan's
Bryant Heating and Air
Mentos

Okay kids, catch ya later.

JeffRey

"There ain't no place I'd rather be."

Hey kids...couple of quick hitters today.

We're setting a Today's Motherfucker first by naming three recipients today. They are, in no particular order....

The prick in D.C. who's suing some old Korean couple of 65 million dollars....because their dry cleaning place lost a pair of his pants.

My asshole neighbor who can't park his car for shit. We have assigned spots in our lot. He parks to me left and puts his passenger side tires right on the yellow line. Now the Lovely Brook parks to the right of me so I can't just move my car over as that will make me her Today's Motherfucker.

So instead I have to make like one of the Duke boys multiple times a day.

[Editor's Note: By Duke boys the author is referring to Bo and Luke and not David...and most certainly not Coy or Vance.]

Our third Today's Motherfucker is whoever got gas at the BP on Providence before I did this morning. I take the nozzle from it's home and gas splashes out on me. Doesn't everyone after you stop pumping you tilt the nozzle up to get the last bit out. It's wise from both a safety and economic point of view.

So now I smell like an arsonist meanwhile as far as I know someone just tried killing me in a random act of violence.

Anyway....the Lovely Brook and I are about to leave town and make our way to Memphis for the annual Beale Street Music Festival. Our good friend Mr. Tippit will be joining us. Should the hotel we're staying at have a computer for patrons to use I'll provide daily updates. If not, you'll have to wait til Monday.

Until next time, keep your pants on...you might save someone 65 million dollars.

JeffRey