Ripped From The Headlines....Unfortunately

Okay crackers....I's gonna spend the greater part of this post giving praise to....a Republican.

(Muffled voices....gasps....patrons leaving the theater)

Yes, friends I, your beloved author and noted leftist, have some kind words for Senator Arlen Specter.

That would be the same Arlen Specter who, as junior counsel for the Warren Commission, created what is known as "The Magic Bullet Theory."

That would also be the same Arlen Specter who openly attacked Anita Hill during the confirmation for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

And yes it is the same Arlen Specter who, as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, backed the confirmations of Supreme Court Justices Sammy Alito and Johnnie Roberts despite all his claims of fairness in seeking non-ideological appointments.

But that will have to wait for a paragraph or two, as I must speak on the Andrea Yates developments.

Now, as a journalist of sorts, I am about to make every effort to summarize this story in completely impartial terms.

Andrea Yates, in a most heinous act of violence, systematically drowned each of her five children in the bathroom of her Texas home. To complete a series of events she herself admitted had been two years in the planning, she stalked her seven-year old son (By now aware of what his mother was doing.) throughout the home, finally catching him and dragging him kicking and screaming into the bathroom. At this point she pushed his head beneath the bathwater and held it there as he struggled for his life until every last gasp of air had escaped from his fragile body.

Ms. Yates has never denied killing her children, insisting it had to be done as her children had become unrighteous due to her own faults as a mother. What she neglected to mention is they had also become unliving due to her faults as a human being.

A Texas jury, wisely dismissing all bullshit claims of insanity and (buzzword alert) postpartum psychosis, found her guilty of capital murder. Unfortunately the jury also, in a move I would consider atypical of a Texas court, declined to sentence the woman to death, opting instead for life in prison.

Fast forward a couple of years and the Yates verdict was vacated. Seems during the trial an expert witness in the field of psychology made reference to a specific episode of Law and Order which had run just prior to the murders in which a woman accused of murdering her children was acquitted. The relevancy of this being Ms. Yates saw the show and figured she could get away with it also.

The only problem with all this was the episode of Law and Order never was actually on the TV. Oops.

Well our legal system being the fair one it is, Ms. Yates was properly granted a new trial. Sadly this new jury bought into her "the sadness made me do it" defense and found her not guilty by reason of insanity. (That soft rustling sound you hear is five tiny bodies spinning in their graves.)

I don't doubt for a second Ms. Yates had some emotional problems. Normal people don't kill their children. She had a rough marriage and subscribed to some outside the norm fundamental religious ideologies. That all said, her acquittal is sad on more levels than I care to think about. I realize she isn't going home tomorrow. She'll be spending many years in a hospital. But she will go home someday. She won't die in a hospital like she would have died in prison.

I am tired of nothing being anyone's fault anymore. If you commit a crime these days it isn't a matter of if you can afford a good lawyer...it's whether or not you can afford a good doctor. Postpartum psychosis, repressed memory, mental defect...it goes on and on. Don't you sometimes wish M'Naghten had just be sentenced to a prison term?

Now I'm not poo-pooing all insanity pleas, but a greater number of people need to be held accountable for what they've done. At some point justice must be had for the victims and their families.

Now moving on to Senator Specter, the esteemed gentleman from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is preparing a bill which would bring suit against president george w. bush over the w.'s use of signing statements when signing bills into law.

For those not in the know, signing statements are amendments applied to bills that generally outline how the President (general reference) would like to see particular agencies execute the law being signed into effect. The current president (specific reference) has used his signing statements in an attempt to declare portions of the given law to be, in his well-educated opinion, unconstitutional or a threat to national security.

Incidentally, the w. has made nearly 800 signing statements since illegally coming into office. That number is more than the last 41 Presidents combined. For those less versed in our nation's history, that would be all the other Presidents combined, covering some 230 years of American history.

The w.'s signing statements are effectively line-item vetoes that cannot come up under congressional review, and therein lies the basis for the supposedly impending lawsuit. Senator Specter feels this to be a violation of the separation of powers, thus his authoring of the bill to sue ol' dumbya.

Now, I really don't see this bill going anywhere, but I give kudos to Specter for standing up for what he believes to be right at a time when party division is continuing at an all-time high. Combine this with his voting against President Bill Clinton's impeachment and his sinking of the Robert Bork Supreme Court Nomination and Arlen is coming close to making up for fucking over the whole JFK thing.

Finally I'd like to wrap this up with a salute to former N*SYNC member Lance Bass, who shocked absolutely no one the announcement he is, in fact, a homosexual. This also clears up his obsession with going to the moon as he was clearly interested in "sky rockets in flight" and getting some "Afternoon Delight" with a "Rocket Man."

Which actually reminds me of a good story I know about a guy named Shane, Filipino strippers, Automated Teller Machines and Happy Endings. But that will have to wait for some other time.

Oh, and should anything in this posting ultimately be determined illegal, it's worth noting I was completely insane when I wrote it. Ask anyone...these last 15 minutes have seen me totally break with reality. It is not my fault.

Until next time....repent.

JeffRey

Take Me Out to the Ballgame....Take Me Out With(?) To(?) the Crowd

Hello all.

I'd like to be the first blogger to officially congratulate the University of Missouri-Columbia. Not only has your athletic department made it a week without humiliating the entire school and its complete roster of alumni, but you have also finally made the long overdue decision to scrap the abominable eyesore that is...the Tiger Spot.

For those not in know, or have never been on Mizzou's campus, the Tiger Spot was a large mosaic planted in the ground just outside the main entrance of the school's library. At the time of its installation the mosaic was lauded as a fine example of an artistic medium designed to withstand the tests of time.

Fast forward about 2 months and one Missouri winter and the project was already showing signs of serious wear and tear. In fact, I challenge you to find one Mizzou student who can actually vividly remember a time when the mosaic was no covered by a tarp or tent.

Well, like I said the project is finally being scrapped and at some point in the future what is left of Tiger Spot will be pulled up. The final tab for this project, though thankfully funded entirely by private donations, is in excess of $300,000 when the initial costs are combined with restorative efforts.

The artist behind the design, MU alumnus Paul Jackson, blames repeated acts of vandalism for the failure of Tiger Spot. An independent study paid for by the University cites the harsh extremes of Missouri weather combined with "unorthodox" construction processes and potentially inadequate glass materials. Whatever the reason, I really don't care.

I actually do remember when Tiger Spot was new and unblemished. I hated it then. I hated it even more as it became more and more of a blight on the face of what can be a beautiful campus. I am delighted it will finally be gone.

That all said, I have a question for you. Do you own a particular pair of pants or shorts which you always seem to be wearing when you break wind? I'm not naturally a gassy person myself, but I have this one pair of khaki shorts that I seem to always be wearing whenever I blow ass.

And it's not like I wear these shorts every day. I don't know. It might be coincidence. It's possible I just happen to eat foods more prone to causing gas when I'm wearing these shorts. The point is, if you see me coming and I'm wearing tan shorts...you might want to stand up wind of me if you know what I mean.

Okay, moving on. The lovely Brook and I made our way south to the town the Lord Jesus Christ himself built...lovely Springfield, Missouri. The purpose of our trip was to visit the lovely Brook's folks and catch a Springfield Cardinals baseball game. The Springfield Cards are the AA affiliate of the big club and I had heard many a great thing about the team's park, so obviously I was excited.

And I was not disappointed. The park is similar to that of the Cardinals' AAA team in Memphis in that all the seating is in foul territory and the outfield areas provide grass areas for folks to sit, maybe have a picnic and enjoy some baseball action. The stadium doesn't hold a ton of folks, maxing out between 9,000 and 10,000 I would think, but it was definitely first class. Clean and easy to find restrooms. Reasonably priced beer for a ballpark, a professional looking scoreboard and a good PA system.

It of course had its minor league charm as well. In between every inning some kind of game was going on. There was a speed eating contest for the kids to see who could cram down ice cream sandwiches the fastest. In true Kobayashi fashion, the smallest kid lapped the field and looked ready for more.

It was also exciting as the team was having Bobblehead Day. The bobblehead was of 2004 1st round draft pick Chris Lambert and I was able to secure one in fine style. Adding to the excitement, Mr. Lambert was signing bobbleheads for folks prior to the game. It was at this point I was nearly met with disaster as I was to far back in line to secure an autograph before the pitcher had to be in the dugout for the game. Luckily I was able to determine the man's means of escape and I planted myself there. The autograph just came to me.

The most exciting events however took place during the game. Like most stadiums there were only a few places one could go to have a cigarette. The lovely Brook found herself in such a spot when a foul ball went over the stands and directly into....the smoking section!

I've been to quite a few games and never been close to a foul ball or homerun, so I could barely contain myself when Brook returned to our seats with the Texas League embossed prize.

A couple of innings later Brook again excused herself to smoke. After she left another batter fouled one over the stands. I said aloud to Brook's folks "that looked to be in the exact spot as the last one."

Sure enough, Brook comes bounding back to the seats with another baseball!

So it was an exciting day all-in-all, despite the Cardinals having lost the game. After the game the players made themselves accessible to the fans and the lovely Brook was able to secure a some autographs on her newly acquired baseballs. One guy she got to sign was a 31-year old Cuban defector named Amaury Marti, who the Cardinals had just promoted to AA. The guy is old to be talking about him as a prospect, but he looks to have some pretty good power. He also had the song "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson played before his at-bats. How cool is that?

I'd say the only thing I didn't like occurred during the 7th inning stretch. For those of you who have ever been to a baseball game, you're aware of the song "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". Well, the scoreboard ran the lyrics for fans while the tune was being piped out. The only problem? They didn't post the proper lyrics. It's "take me out with the crowd." One is asked to buy cracker jack...singular, much like it says on every package. And it's "let me root, root, root for the home team." (I don't care if parks want to insert the hometown team's name here, but the bold-faced words must be used.)

Incidentally, did you know the portion sung at baseball games is only the chorus? Yeah, the song is about a girl who has a gentleman call on her, requesting permission to take her to the theater. But the young lady is a baseball fan and insists he...well, take her out to the ballgame.

Okay, long post today, so I'll sign off with this.

Fuck you w.!!! Now that you've vetoed stem cell research I wish for your wife to be stricken with Alzheimer's tomorrow. I'd wish it directly on you, but I want you to remember how much you've fucked up this country.

Play Ball...Texas League Style

JeffRey

Downsizing the President, tasty burgers and public urination...it's just like old times at the ballpark.

Hello all.

Not sure if you caught this the other day, but the "Supreme" Court of the "United" States of America struck down the military commissions president Bush had established at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for the purposed of trying suspected members of al-Qaeda.

For those unclear as to what that means, the Court has just told Mr. Bush he cannot run his little war of terror with no checks and balances anymore. From this point forward any suspected terrorist the United States has in custody will have to prosecuted under the rules of military courts-martial, unless Mr. Bush goes to Congress and asks their permission to proceed differently.

I can't explain how big a deal this really and truly is. Mr. Bush, under the direction of DICK cheney, had attempted to broadly expand executive power using the the current war as an excuse for unilateral decision making. The Court, which may be Supreme after all, has now said even the President of the United States must operate according to rule of law.

Incidentally, the vote went 5-3 with Justice Stevens writing the majority opinion. The dissents came from the usual suspects, Messrs. Scalia, Thomas and Alito. Chief Justice Roberts did not participate in the decision as last year he was one of a three-justice panel of the federal appeals court who ruled for the administration. In a totally unrelated story, he was nominated to the Supreme Court by Mr. Bush four days after having made that particular ruling.

This decision won't free all those being held as suspects in Gitmo, but does send the White House scrambling for a new plan at a time when pressure to close the military prison near Cuba is at an all-time high.

On some lighter news, the Lovely Brook and I made our way to St. Louis last night to see the St. Louis Cardinals battle the Kansas City Royals. To fully get myself into the spirit of the game, I dyed my goatee a very nice bright red hue in honor of Cardinals bench player Scott Spiezio. I donned my Jim Edmonds t-shirt and perched my Cards cap on my head as I readied myself for a day of baseball. Sadly much to my chagrin, the Lovely Brook chose to wear all Kansas City Royal blue in honor of her having lived in Kansas City...approximately 15 years ago.

The evening started out entertainingly enough as Brook and I pre-gamed in one of the Metrolink parking lots. For those not in the know, the Metrolink in St. Louis' one-track elevated train, used of course to make the city feel as if it's all grown up. One thing the city fathers did not plan for, however, was the consumption of ice-cold Budweiser prior to sporting events. Ms. Brook found herself in need of the necessaries, and finding none in the immediate area, proceeding to use nature as nature was intended.

I've long contended one of the greatest things about being a guy is that the world is, in fact, our toilet. Now, the ladies can lay claim to that as well.

I was so overcome in the moment I joined Brook in a chorus of public urination, although sadly my stream failed to measure up to the one created by her. (Sniff...tear)

Sadly the path of loss would only continue for me that night as my Cardinals were felled by the Lovely Brook's Royals by a score of 7-5. Further compounding my disappointment was the acute lack of clutch hitting by Messrs. Spiezio (for whom I'd dyed the goatee) and Edmonds (whose name and number appeared on my t-shirt). Happily enough my K.C. pal Fuller did call me approximately 11 seconds after the game ended. I'd snipe if it weren't for the fact Mr. Fuller's sports teams are, collectively, the most underperforming bunch of has-beens and nobodies around. Sorry...Fuller, but you do have this one day to revel in, so enjoy.

My father was also at the game last night, celebrating his 56th birthday no less. To further the celebration, dead old Dad bought us all some Hardee's following the game. It was at this time I found the highlight of the night....The Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger.

I had long resisted buying one of these things as I loathed the television commercials with those two cabbies. You know the guys who were speaking English, but with such heavy accents subtitles were actually necessary. Why did I deprive myself for so very long.

This is one tasty burger. I didn't even have the words after finishing it. It was like the first time I saw David Lynch's Lost Highway. I wasn't quite sure what I had just experienced...I just knew I really liked it.

In fact, my only suggestion for the Hardee's people is to add bacon to this thing. I actually made this suggestion to the Lovely Brook during the car ride home and told her of my plans to, at my next opportunity, order another of these tasty burgers and then bring it home to cook up some bacon for it.

At that time the Lovely Brook suggested I just ask the Hardee's people to put some bacon on it for me.

Did I mention how much I love the Lovely Brook?

So that was my day, Friday the 30th of June, 2006. It was the best of times and yet, at times, the worst of times, while reading the Times...all the time(s).

I just used the word times five times in one sentence.

Check back later this week or early part of next for a re-cap on the float trip the Lovely Brook and I will soon be embarking upon. Oh, and this Tuesday please don't forget the words of the noted educated Ginny Stroud, who taught us "when you're being inundated with all this American...Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes."

Thank you and we are adjourned.

JeffRey