Jonphin For Prez

Hello friends,

I am blogging to you today as the self-proclaimed first person to publically endorse my good friend JoNathan's candidacy for President of the University of Missouri-Columbia.

JoNathan is poised to assume the position soon to be vacated by Elson Floyd, who has announced his intention to accept the same position at Washington State University.

Rather than sing the praises of JoNathan myself, I now direct you to his press release, which lays out in abbreviated by intricate detail his plans for my alma mater.


www.geocities.com/jwbertz/pressrelease.pdf


In encourage each and every one of you to forward this link to everyone whom you have ever met (or at least has given you their e-mail address) so that the JoNathan revolution might gain the momentum needed to propel our man into office.

Speaking of which...not sure if you caught this by another John who I like to consider a friend of mine will also be running for President. One time North Carolina Senator, and 2004 Vice Presidential nominee, John Edwards will try for the second time to gain the Democratic Party's nomination for the U.S. Presidency in 2008.

You'll remember Mr. Edwards caused a splash in 2004 when, despite having relatively little experience in the political world, ran with Senator John Kerry for most of the primary season before conceding defeat prior to the National Convention. Senator Edwards went on to become Senator Kerry's running mate in the pair's unsuccessful attempt to unseat president george w. bush.

Mr. Edwards is the third Democrat to officially announce candidacy for the 2008 nomination, joining a guy I really like in Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack and Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich, who will entertain us with his attempt at winning the Prince Charles look-alike contest and vegan ways before departing having garnered only a handful of votes. Incidentally one of those votes will come from my pal Fuller, who much prefers ballots for the wiping of his ass to actual toilet tissue.

You know, I like John Edwards. I thought he was exciting during the 2004 primary, without going overboard like my man Howard Dean. Senators Kerry and Edwards made a stop in Jefferson City right after the National Convention and I was in the audience. It seemed like Senator Edwards breathed life into the campaign of John Kerry, who up to that point had been seen as the "safe" candidate and therefore the choice of many Democrats.

But I gotta tell you John, you don't have much of a chance. Before too long we're going to see other more prominent Dems enter the field. You still won't be able to beat John Kerry. You probably can't beat Senator Joe Biden. You'll probably have a tough time Senator Chrisopher Dodd and Governor Vilsack. And those are just the lightweight candidates. You have zero chance in hell of knocking off Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. And finally, your toughest opponent is the John Edwards of 2008. Senator Barach Obama will be running as a one-term senator, just like you did, but he has infinitely more buzz around him than you did four years ago. He also has that....let's call it that "new America" thing going for him too.

To sum things up for you John, Barack Obama will be running with more poltical experience than you(having served in the Illinois Congress and being a current U.S. Senator), he'll have more political juice than you (a best selling book recently hit shelves and did you notice who stole the show at the National Convention which nominated you for the Vice Presidency?) and he's a minority...which will count for a great deal.

So Johnny, it's nice to see you're still out there trying to get things done, but I predict my pal JoNathan has a better shot in his run at presidency than you do.

But you will kick Dennis Kucinich's E.T.-looking ass....so at least you'll have that going for you.

JeffRey

Retailitically Correct

Help me out here folks. As the advent of gift cards has extended the holiday shopping season far into the month of January, I am perplexed by a particular issue.

Is the proper pronunciation ee-Zod or eye-Zod? I see these commercials for the line of clothing. You know, the ones where the good looking couple are sailing...in the Arctic. And later they're skiing...on a beach. But as visually stimulating as the commercial might be, the actual brand name of the clothing line is never spoken aloud.

I actually have fear of trying to say the name aloud, certain I'll get it wrong and subject to ridicule. It's the same reason why I can't bring myself to shop in the store Aeropostale. How the fuck do you say that word? If the keyboard I'm using were more helpful, I'd add the maddening accent that is part of the name as well.

So I was in this public restroom the other day. Now..okay, some info for the ladies. I'm sure you've all heard of urinals...they're the toilet that allows us menly men to pee standing up without having to worry about the bothersome toilet seat. Well, in most public restrooms you'll find that at least one urinal rests a foot or so lower on the wall than its brethren. I'm not entirely sure if this is for smaller children, or just short men. The point is, the pisser is lower.

Now I'm of average height. Five foot ten, maybe a little taller. So I'm not so tall that I can't use this lower urinal, I just don't like to.

So I'm in this bar and nature says....hello. I make my way to the facilities and discover two things. One, the restroom is empty. Now this is beneficial to me on another level, as I have a fairly serious case of Peeshy, but that is another story for another day.

Incidentally, I once met a band named Peeshy. I've worked for 3 different hotels in the Columbia, MO area and have had the chance to meet several bands, but none with a name that hit so close to home.

Okay, so the bathroom is empty. I also notice it is what you might call a two-holer. That is there were two urinals. One of normal height, the other the standard short pisser.

I, of course, choose to pee in the normal one. I hate using the short urinal when it's the only option so I'm certainly not going to use it by choice.

I assume the position in front of normal urinal and begin to see a man about a dog when the bathroom door opens.

Now I don't follow Mizzou basketball with regularity anymore, but I don't think this guy was a player. He was, however, about six and a half feet tall. I'm not a mind reader, but I can't imagine he was pleased with the prospect of the short urinal. However, he does step into formation alongside me to transact his business for the day.

At this point I am naturally struck by my nervous kidneys and rendered unable to squeeze a drop. It's like the scene with Morgan Freeman in "The Shawshank Redemption." You know, he's just been paroled and given a job as bagger at that grocery store. He wants a restroom break and the manager tells him he doesn't need to ask permission to take a piss. Of course ol' Red has been in prison for half a hundred years and so accustomed to asking permission for everything he is incapable of squeezing even one drop without someone's say so.

It's just like that only I can't pee unless I'm alone.

If you're finding yourself lost in the story here's what it boils down to. I force this offspring of the Amazon to pee in the midget urinal, and it turns out to have been done needlessly as I can't even make proper use of the "normally" placed urinal.

I know you're probably laughing at me right now, but this was a dilemma. It's like when the Lovely Brook and I were driving to Springfield to celebrate Christmas in the actual hometown of your Lord God Jesus Christ. I could think of the names of seven of Santa's reindeer, but I couldn't come up with the third. This drove me nuts from about Maryland Heights to Pilot Grove.

Ooh, that reminds me. If you ever find yourself traveling on I-44 from St. Louis to Springfield, there is a sight that can only be found in middle America. Right around mile marker 153, turn your gaze to the north side of the highway and you'll see a large billboard that reads "Pornorgraphy Destroys Everybody."

Now as a former employee of a store specializing in adult entertainment, I found this sign on its own amusing enough. However, about 50 feet past the billboard is a large store proclaiming itself to be an....Adult Superstore.

Ah...only in the Bible Belt. Actually to make the scene more surreal, between the signs arguing the relative merits of anal beads and blow up dolls of pregnant chicks there was a sign/sculpture advertising for the local bowling alley. It was genius in its simplicity as the sculpture was just a large bowling pin.

This made the panorama a sign railing against pornography, a huge bowling pin and an adult superstore. I love the midwest.

Okay, I know it's been awhile bloggers and I apologize. I promise you the wait for my next installment of musings on life will be much shorter.

JeffRey