Blogging's Not Tried, it is Merely Survived When You're Blogging Outside the Fire!

Allrightee then bloggers, as long as none of you heckles me I'll not have to hurl racial slurs at you whilst reminiscing of the good ol' days when lynchings were in vogue.

Seriously....Michael Richards has to be off his meds or something.

For those not in the know, Michael Richards (a.k.a. Seinfeld's Cosmo Kramer) was performing his stand-up comedy act in Los Angeles over the weekend. It was apparently not as funny as some people were expecting, so the heckling began.

The two hecklers that made themselves most vocal were African-Americans.

Oooh....you can sorta already see where this is going can't you?

Richards just exploded on these guys, remarking how 50 years ago they would have found themselves hung with pitchforks up their asses. I don't know how many times he screamed the word "n*gger" during the diatribe.

[Editor's Note: The author finds use of the term "n-word" to be juvenile while at the same time finding the actual n-word to be worst kind of vile.]

Turns out Jerry Seinfeld was due to be on Letterman Monday night to promote the latest release of Seinfeld DVD's, so the world was hijacked by a hollow apology from Mr. Richards.

He said he wasn't a racist. Watch the video of his "performance" on TMZ.com. It's hard for me to believe the video is of a man who doesn't have some seriously deep rooted prejudices. The words came out early, they came out often and there was a viciousness to the way he said them.

Now, this being American, Land of the Redneck, I've already heard from way too many people the ol' "how came Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle can make fun of white people" and "why do black people get to use that word" double standard arguments.

Of course these arguments come from white-ass, honky, cracker motherfuckers who have no idea what it means to be part of a race that has been victimized by slavery, overt racism and institutional racism for roughly....well let's see Columbus sailed the ocean blue.....anyway a long motherfuckin' time.

Whew....okay, let's get to the real point of today's blog, making fun of people with Down Syndrome.

So I was at Wal-Mart......

Anyone laughing already?

I was at Wal-Mart (lay off everyone, it's by my apartment and I had needs) buying some Super Glue. See I have these flip-flops I really like, but the bottom is coming off one of them.

Incidentally, did you know in Missouri you have to be 18 to buy Super Glue? Now I didn't get carded, but the register popped up with "Is Customer 18? and then gave today's date only 18 years ago for any cashier lacking the requisite carnival skills of guessing one's age.

What am I not aware of? Can one sniff Super Glue? It smells like shit. I mean, I sniffed it anyway...for the blog mind you.

So while I was strolling about, ever aware of falling prices, I walked past the music/video department.

Okay, so Garth Brooks' target audience probably does frequent Wal-Mart, but why must he crawl right into bed with Sam's progeny? I used to have much respect for this guy too. I've been to one of his shows. It was fun. Plus the guy is a marketing genius. From my estimation he has little talent either musically or vocally and yet the guy is an entertainment deity.

Currently you can buy, but only at your local Wal-Mart, a box set of Garth CD's or DVD's or something. All I know is every TV in the department was showing a Garth video of the song "Standing Outside the Fire."

The mini-film is the story of a kid with Down Syndrome just trying to fit in. I'm 86% sure the kid is actually played by Corky from Life Goes On, making this not only the greatest video but the greatest movie of all times....period.

The kid has this great relationship with his mom, but there is some concern when he signs up to be part of the track competition at his school. See the coach wants Corky to sign up for the Special Olympics.

??????

Okay....I don't know how your high school was, but at mine one would try out for the track team and then the track team participated in track meets. Additionally, I can't say as I recall a sign-up sheet for the Special Olympics.

Well, Corky wanted to show the world he was just as good at being bad at track as everyone else. So he signed up for the regular track meet. This caused some concern for his father, who feared Corky would embarrass himself. Corky's mother knew the truth though. Corky's dad was more worried about being embarrassed by his son.

So we get this nice montage of Corky training. He's running sprints down the road with his mom driving alongside shouting encouragement. There's a cute scene when she throws a towel at him as he runs.

Did I mention the Garth Brooks song "Standing Outside the Fire" is about 39 minutes and 47 seconds long?

So anyway, the day of the track meet comes and no one is sure if this whole Corky thing is for real or not. The coach looks confused/amused while the other athletes just start uncomfortably.

You can see what's coming right? Corky shows the world what a strong heart and will can overcome in this life by winning the race....it's the only possible outcome.

Except of course for one thing......HE HAS FUCKING DOWN SYNDROME!!!!!!!!!

So Corky falls down about halfway through the race and is slow to get up. His parents rush to his side and a quiet falls over the crowd of literally...dozens.

Corky is turned over and his face is bloodied...obviously from....well I'm not really sure why his face was full of blood.

Anyway, he doesn't want help. He can do it himself. He struggles to his feet and runs triumphantly to the finish line. The other runners, who had finished, showered and gone home, return to welcome him to the world of normalcy.

Corky then goes on to star in a series of McDonald's commercials, making the line "Welcome to McDonalds, how may I help you?" synonymous with faked retarded accents.

Okay....that was that. Really the main point of this blog was you have to be 18 to buy Super Glue in Missouri.

Til next time....enjoy your turkey...or tofurkey (if that's possible).

JeffRey

"We're Cold Slither, you'll be joining us soon! A band of vipers playin' our tune!"

12:18 to you bloggers. I have an interactive blog for you today.

Cold Slither is the greatest cartoon band in history. Discuss.

Perhaps you don't remember Cold Slither. Well years ago a organization known as Cobra attempted to take over the world in a variety of ways. They tried everything from using the DNA of the world's greatest conquerors to create a supervillain to destroying the world's money supply.

But perhaps their most diabolical plot was to take over the world...with rock and roll! Enlisting the "talents" of their redneck contingent of warriors, the Dreadknocks, Cobra created a rock band that took advantage of every parent's worst nightmare...subliminal messaging!

Now their plan was, of course, foiled by the men of G.I. Joe, but where they failed in global domination they succeeded in musical history. Cold Slither is, without a doubt, the greatest band in cartoon history. Forget Jem and the Holograms (Though I did like the Misfits...didn't care for the Stingers,). Don't even talk to me about the Way-Outs. No, it's not even Josie and the Pussycats. No kids, for my money when it comes to animated asskickedness it has to be Cold Slither.

"Don't tell us what's right! Don't tell us what's wrong! Too late to resist! Cause Cobra is strong!"

Feel free to enter into spirited debate with me. You will be wrong, but I welcome the input.

JeffRey

"It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life for me. And I'm feelin' good."

Oh my bloggers. What a day. What a day.

You might be asking yourselves, what could possibly have our beloved author in such high spirits following the recent and devastating news surrounding Neil Patrick Harris, Britney Spears and K-Fed?

Well let me tell you little crackers. Yesterday was election day; and for the first time in 12 years Democrats were filled with not just the grand feeling of hope, but of expectation as well.

And expectations could not have been more wonderfully fulfilled.

In a nutshell....Democrats kicked the living shit out of the GOP. Yes kiddies, the Grand Old Party has finally been reduced to the Get Out Party.

Now if you've been hiding from the scary truth like a sensible person, you're aware for the last 12 years the Republicans have held control of both houses of Congress. You might also be aware that due to a serious transgression of justice the Presidency of the "United" States has been in Republican control for the last 6 years. These two facts add for a grand total of sucks.

But yesterday, after years of rhetoric, propaganda and misplaced trust, the Democrats took firm control of the U.S. House of Representatives. The Dems needed to pick up only 15 years to take control from the elephants. When victors in the 10 races not yet officially decided have been named the Democrats will have picked up 25-30 seats and will have at a minimum a 23 seat advantage. Among the newly elected is Keith Ellison, who thanks to his new constituents in Minnesota becomes the first Muslim ever sent to Capitol Hill for reasons other than evidentiary.

Additionally, the United States Senate now stands at 49 Republicans, 47 Democrats and 2 Independents, man of 9 political lives Joe Lieberman of Connecticut and self-proclaimed socialist Bernard Sanders of Vermont, each of whom has said he will caucus with the Democrats.

That effectively leaves the Senate in a 49-49 tie with two races yet to be officially decided. I am happy to report the Democratic challenger leads in both of those races with Jon Tester of Montana leading longtime Senator Conrad Burns and Jim Webb of North Carolina leading noted racist Senator George Allen, Jr. The only thing left to be determined in these two races is just how sore of losers Messrs Burns and Allen, Jr. really are.

Among the newly elected Senators is Claire McCaskill of my own state. She had me worried for awhile, but once we all realized votes from St. Louis actually count she was able to achieve victory over incumbent Jim Talent(less) and his rubber stamp ideology.

Among those ousted is well-known crazy man Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania. Adios Rick.

For those not keeping score that gives control of both houses of Congress back to the Party of the People, and it has been a long time coming.

The importance of these events cannot be understated. Gone forever will be the misguided attempts at privatization of social security and a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage. Look for a federal increase of minimum wage. True resolution may be reached concerning immigration. And most importantly, the direction of the war in Iraq can finally be changed.

The changes have, in fact, begun before the new Congress ever holds its first session. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has finally resigned his Cabinet position.

Changes occurred at the state level as well. Democrats will now reside in the Governor's mansions of 28 states. Victors include Ted Strickland of Ohio, who defeated noted election thief John Blackwell and Eliot Spitzer of New York who won the spot vacated by famed ass kisser George Pataki.

A number of ballot issues faced voters as well. A handful of states, Missouri included, voted to increase minimum wage at a state level.

Sadly a handful of states also passed resolutions banning same-sex marriage, but happily enough Arizona became the first state to vote down such a measure.

South Dakota's attempt to challenge Roe v. Wade by enacting a law which would outlaw all abortions except those which would save a mother's life was struck down by voters. In addition ballot initiatives in California and Oregon which would have prohibited abortions for minors without parental notification were voted down.

One of the hot button issues came up for a vote right here in the Show Me State. Missourians voted in favor of an amendment to the State Constitution protecting stem cell research. You might remember this issue from the poignant ad featuring actor and Parkinson's disease victim Michael J. Fox as well as the appalling reaction to said ad from famed blowhard and total asshole Rush Limbaugh.

Yes indeed friends, it was a day of victory. For the first time in more than a decade my morning following election day was not greeted with a hangover and depression. Instead this morning I was able to wake to a hangover and immense feeling of glee.

Oh, and one of my favorite moments from election night came from Nevada.

Did you know in Nevada voters are actually given the choice "none of these"? That's right and in the gubernatorial election more than 4%, or 20,000+, of voters actually voted "none of these." I love this country.

Which reminds me....this post is now for the most part finished, but I encourage you to stop back tomorrow to catch my review of Borat!: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Sneak preview of the review...I laughed my ass off beginning to end.

Until then bloggers, I encourage you to hold your heads high, for this is once again a great time to be an American.

JeffRey

"Breaking Up is Hard to Do" (unless you married a schmuck).

Good Evening Bloggers,

I suppose it was inevitable, but the news I never wanted to hear came across the AP Wire today.

Kevin Federline, fresh off the success of his smash hit "PopoZao", is divorcing the well-known Queen of the Double Wides Britney Spears.

Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, Ms. Spears is divorcing Mr. Federline. In further interest of full disclosure, Mr. Federline is not fresh off the success of anything, including a shower by my estimation of every photo I've ever seen of him.

Yes folks the relationship that couldn't possibly last is now over.

How, in the name of God (however you may define him/her) can I possibly believe in love if these two crazy kids can't make it work?

You know, I probably should have seen this coming. After all, Brit rushed into this marriage just months after the annulment of her first marriage, an actual Las Vegas wedding chapel job with a childhood friend.

Meanwhile, K-Fed dumped his girlfriend, the quite pregnant Shar Jackson, to run off into marital bliss with Britney. I guess the only surprises would be just how long the marriage did last, the fact not one but two progeny are the result and further that both children are actually still alive. It's also worth noting no animals were injured in the process of this marriage.

I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but I can't help myself. I was already reeling from the news about Neil Patrick Harris being a bone smoker. Add in the Brit/K-Fed news and this is turning into one fucked up week.

You know, I'd like to write more, but I'm really upset. Check back in tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel well enough to write more about my feelings.

Oh, and don't forget to vote.

JeffRey

"Here He Comes, Boogedy, Boogedy."

Morning Bloggers.

Caught this news item today from the quaint hamlet of Nashville, Tennessee.

Seems a domestic liaison took a turn for the worse recently, and like all great stories from the Southern United States....a Waffle House was involved.

I should warn any bloggers who easily become squeamish or may have small children in the room, this story is of a sexual nature....probably.

The star of our tale is one Larry Boyd. Apparently Mr. Boyd is a fan of the blow, for after taking a "hit" of cocaine he flew into a rage, trashing his hotel room and allegedly attempting to strangle his female companion.

What do you think of the phrase "hit of cocaine"? I took that straight from the AP report. I've never heard the term "hit" used in conjunction with coke before. It strikes me as odd.

Anyway, the young woman, yet to be named publicly, escaped Mr. Boyd's clutches, running from the hotel and into the neighboring Waffle House where she locked herself in the bathroom.

Now Mr. Boyd, either being the persistent type or a fan of hashbrowns sliced, diced, chunked, covered and smothered, followed the woman into said eating establishment.

Did I forget to mention neither was wearing a stitch of clothing at the time? That's right sports fans, another Hong Kong haircut gone awry.

Mr. Boyd, due either to a desire for escape or a sudden bout of modesty, fled the scene soon after. Since we all know his name however, I'm sure you've guessed he didn't get far. Police pulled him over minutes later. He has since been charged with driving under the influence, resisting arrest and what police are calling "other charges."

Is there a need to be coy? It doesn't take Robert Shapiro to know some sort of indecent exposure charge is part of the mixed bag here.

Oh well, nothing earth shaking with this news item. Was going to blog about Saddam getting the death sentence, but wasn't this more fun?

Til next time friends remember....no Waffle House jingle is appropriate for pole dancing.

JeffRey