Big Red Rocket of Love

Hello bloggers,

I could write today of how the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have claimed more American lives than the total number of lives lost in the 9/11 attacks in Washington D.C., Pennsylvania and the interlocking NY, but that would just be a downer.

Besides, this war has a long way to go before catching the mark set by World War II, which saw about 200 times more guys die in the Pacific then died in the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Instead, I'd like to write on something I read today that made my heart swell with American flag-waving pride, yet break at the very same time.

"There is a man, a certain man, and for the poor you may be sure that he'll do all he can." Because he's looking at collecting $400,000 in a product liability claim.

[Editor's Note: I love tort reform, so put another lawsuit on the docket baby!]

Or is he? Seems Superior Court Judge Edward C. Clifton has dismissed the claim of Connecticut native Charles "Chick" Lennon, who had been previously awarded, by a jury, damages in the amount of $750,000 (an amount seen as frivolous by Judge Clifton, who reduced the number to $400,000 in 2004).

Now what, you might be asking, was the product that failed Mr. Lennon so miserably he felt the need to bring suit?

Why, his penile implant of course. Yes kids, there was once a time when Viagra did not exist for men like Bob Dole and should these men desire sexual....satisfaction, they were required to have steel and plastic rods surgically implanted into their....well, their cocks.

These rods could then by raised and lowered drawbridge style to suit a particular mood. At least that would be the case when the implant is functioning properly. But what, you may again be asking, what if the implant stopped working properly?

Well I'm glad you asked. Should the implant stop operating properly, you would be faced with one of two scenarios. One, you would have a completely useless steel rod in your cock, making every airport security checkpoint a nightmare of Derek Smalls proportions. Or two, you would be like my friend Chick, who has lived with a permanent erection for the last 10 years.

Let that sink in and percolate. He has had a neverending erection for the last 10 years!

You know, sometimes words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm. (Thanks Martin.)

I love living in a country where one, with the means, might be able to purchase a product that can create boners at will. Even more so, I love living in a country where one can basically sue for begin given a tailor-made career in the adult film industry.

Now, I'm a little bummed about the whole activist judge shooting down the tort reform thing, but I suspect Chicky Baby will be okay.

Incidentally, if you are taking one of the miracles of modern medicine guaranteed to get a rise out you and you should happen to experience an erection lasting even one 20,000th the time of Chick's, you should probably call your doctor.

Money for nothin', the dicks for free.

JeffRey

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Bacon?

Okay, bloggers...here comes the good shit.

Over the past weekend, the Lovely Brook and I had opportunity to attend a St. Louis Cardinals game. It was the second game of the week for myself, and each time I was treated to an excellent pitching performance from Chris Carpenter as he wraps up what I'm predicting to be his second consecutive Cy Young Award-winning season.

Now only time will tell if guys wearing the Birds on the Bat can turn things around and make another deep October run.

But this blog really isn't about the St. Louis Cardinals, or even baseball, at all.

On the way to the game, the Lovely Brook and I stopped off at a McDonald's to grab a quick snack before the game.

Oh, and before you ask, yes I've seen Super Size Me and yes I know the risk. So get off my friggin' back!

Anyway, this McDonald's was out in the hinterland of the Show Me State, its only advantage being a proximity to Interstate 70. Walking in, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore as most of the customers appeared to be wearing shoes and have all their teeth.

Just kidding Kansas.

The McD's was sort of oddly configured though. The counter was in the corner of the building, thereby providing the least convenient area from which customers could place an order and subsequently wait for said order.

Imagine it like this. A long, narrow hallway from which to conduct business in which is placed a customer service desk turned at a 45 degree angle.

Sound inconvenient? Well you have an excellent grasp of three-dimensional thinking.

So the Lovely Brook and I placed our orders. She had the caesar salad, served with Newman's Own caesar salad dressing and a medium order of McDonald's world famous fries. I myself ordered one of those new snack wrap things they have. You know, the one with two pieces of breaded, all-white breast meat along with crisp green lettuce and topped with creamy ranch dressing.

After paying the boy at the register, who I'm thinking didn't technically qualify for the ol' "disabled persons at the counter quota" but still didn't have an elevator that went to all floors if you know what I mean, the Lovely Brook and I waited for our order.

Now the order for our food was number 317. I only remember because I heard the manager call out order number 316 for about five minutes.

"Number 316. Double cheese and a med fry. Number 316. Double cheese and a med fry."

Now med it that sentence was pronounced mead. Like that shitty honey-brewed medieval type alcoholic beverage. Which by the way you should never drink, not even on a dare.

Finally the Lovely Brook and I received our order and got back into the car to continue our travels. I glanced over to Brook as she applied dressing to her salad, and at this point I had a some questions.

"Didn't you order a caesar salad?"

"Yes, I did."

"Do caesars normally come with tomatoes and such on them?"

"No, I'm guessing every salad is prepared the same and the only difference is the dressing."

"Interesting."

Now, I almost left it at that, but suddenly my eye caught something that left me dumbfounded.

"What the fuck is that orange thing?"

"Uh, a carrot." (This was said with a bit of a condescending tone I felt was unwarranted. You'll see why.)

"Okay, it's a carrot, but why does it look like a piece of bacon?"

You see friends, the carrot had been sliced lengthwise, and was sliced thinly enough it curled up to the point of looking like a piece of orange bacon. At this point I had the Lovely Brook on my side.

"You're right. That is weird." (Just wanted to prove to you I had her on my side.)

Not a story ready for the Reader's Digest or anything, but I just wanted to share with you something I had never seen before.

Remember the food pyramid.

JeffRey

R.I.P. Governor Ann Richards (P.S. I Heart Bill Clinton)

Fair warning....this will be a long post.

As my retrospective on Bill Clinton's visit to St. Louis has been eagerly awaited by at least one of you, and a hey hira to you Mr. Fuller, I will not keep you in suspense much longer.

However, I cannot in good conscience begin today without a word or two about one-time Texas Governor Ann Richards, who lost her battle with cancer yesterday at the age of 73.

Now I have never lived in Texas myself, but my parents were born and raised there so I've always kinda considered Ann Richards my governor, and the world is a little less exciting without her in it.

She was an anomaly in Texas. A woman elected to statewide office, the first in decades when she became state treasurer in the early 80's.

She was elected to her first and only term as governor in 1990, and immediately set about transforming the Texas political arena. Creating what she called a "New Texas," Richards appointed women and minorities to state posts more often than any of her predecessors, helping groups that had long been ignored by the patriarchal Texas government.

She gave the keynote address at the 1988 Democratic National Convention, making herself a party superstar with her assessment of Republican candidate George H.W. Bush. "Poor George, he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth."

Four years later she would serve as chairwoman at the National Convention that nominated Bill Clinton as its candidate for the Presidency of The United States.

The charismatic Richards retained her personal popularity throughout her one term as governor, carrying a 60% approval rating even as she lost her bid for re-election to George W. Bush.

Richards went out in style as she celebrated her 60th birthday by obtaining her motorcycle operator's license, riding her Harley Davidson to the Capitol steps.

So today when you think of Richards and all she did for Texas, remember this. Everything w. has done to these United States....he'd been doing it to Texas for 6 years prior to that.

Which brings us back to my mancrush....William Jefferson Clinton.

For those not in the know, President Clinton made personal appearances in St. Louis at a rally and fundraiser for Senatorial candidate Claire McCaskill, who is looking to unseat w. lapdog senator Jim Talent-less.

The rally took place at the Pageant, a concert venue in University City, earlier in the morning than I might have preferred. The lovely Brook and I couldn't leave Columbia until that morning, so by the time we arrived a fairly good sized crowd had formed, forcing us more to the back of the club. We still had a perfect view, but I knew any chance at shaking the man's hand was out of the question...but, hey, JeffRey abides.

The rally began with one-time Missouri Governor Roger Wilson as MC introducing a handful of other candidates, running for both statewide and local district offices. I was especially pleased to see Secretary of State Robin Carnahan among those on stage. You may not be aware, but this spring Secretary Carnahan announced she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She hasn't allowed the illness or its treatments to interfere with her work, and she looks ready to take on the rigors of another campaign.

Others to join her on stage were, among others, Attorney General, and candidate for Governor, Jay Nixon, U.S. Representative Russ Carnahan, State Minority Whip Connie Johnson, St. Louis County Executive Charlie Dooley and candidate for State Auditor Susan Montee.

Claire was the final warm-up act for President Clinton, and stirred the crowd up with a walk down her memory lane, recounting her career as both prosecutor and State Auditor as qualifications for her candidacy as a United States Senator. Re-mixing a statement often heard from amateur meteorologists, Claire told the crown "it smells like change."

But as much as this was a Claire McCaskill rally, everyone was really there to see the man. And I tell you President Clinton did not disappoint. Speaking for about 35-40 minutes, sans note cards, President Clinton spoke as much about the past as he did the future.

While the inevitable comparisons between his own, enormously successful, administration, and the current, less successful, one were touched on more than once. The real past Clinton spoke of however, went back just a few more years.

Now it's impossible for politicians to come to Missouri and not speak of Harry Truman. President Clinton told the crowd the apartment above his library is filled with his collection of political buttons from over the years, but only one portrait hangs there...and that would be a painting of Harry S. Truman. President Clinton spoke of Truman as a man unafraid to question his government even in a time of war, action that would have one labeled as unpatriotic and soft of terror in today's day and age. As a specific example he cited the crime against humanity that was the mistreatment of Senator Max Cleeland in Georgia.

That was really the focus of President Clinton's speech. For too long Republicans have refused to implement the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission, choosing instead to keep national security as an issue with which to pound political opponents.

"They've trotted that dog out for the last three elections - and it's got mange all over it," the President said in just one of a string of classic quips.

This focus is particularly timely by President Clinton as well, with Republican interests still trying to blame him for everything short of the Lindbergh kidnapping and now enlisting ABC to further their attack on his record.

This line of thinking is also key for Ms. McCaskill, as one primary point of contention between herself and Jim Talent-less is national security.

And such was the rhythm of the day. President Clinton kept calling Missouri the Show-Me State, with Republicans having shown us for the last six years how they are unable to get things done properly.

Other points of the day included the budget, with President Clinton noting the liberal party has also become the conservative party in terms of economics, dubbing the Democratic Party the "conservative-progressive" party, renewable energy funding and the subsequent downgrading of reliance on Middle Eastern oil, the cutting of student aid under w. (the first President to ever cut student aid) and the loss of jobs under the Republican regime.

Whew...I'm spent trying to remember all that. But yeah, a fun day and a day that created a lot of hope. Now, I've been burned by that hope in the past, most recently following a rally in Jefferson City for the Johns following the last Democratic National Convention, but like most Democrats...I soldier on.

I don't know if the entire rally is available on video anywhere, but the following link does have a minute or two of highlights:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM1qB__vOxg

Also take the time to visit the following campaign websites:

Claire McCaskill's Senatorial Campaign Site
http://www.claireonline.com/

Susan Montee for State Auditor
http://www.susanmontee.com/

Robin Carnahan for Secretary of State
http://www.carnahanformissouri.com/

Jeremiah "Jay" Nixon for Governor of Missouri
http://www.nixonforgovernor.com/

And here is the page for President Clinton's Foundation
http://www.clintonfoundation.org/index.htm

Finally, Ann Richards' wikipedia page, which has a link to her 1988 Democratic Convention Keynote Address
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Richards

That was an undertaking.

JeffRey

Primary Numbers

All right kids, let's say we get down to business.

So you might have been asking yourself, just how did my beloved author observe the 5th anniversary of September 11th?

Well allow me to tell you. I spent the early part of the day slaving away at my, relatively speaking, dead end job. Happily enough however, that afternoon I hopped into the Civic with my pals Callen and Liz and we made our way to the StL for that evening's baseball game between Our Town's St. Louis Cardinals and the hated Astros of Houston, TX.

Now sadly I have no pictures of either my workday or the Cardinals game, but I am pleased to report the Cardinals were victorious, prevailing over the Astros by a score of 7-0. Chris Carpenter pitched a complete game shutout as he continues his bid to repeat as the National League Cy Young Award Winner as the league's best pitcher. Carp showed true grit and determination on his face as he dealt with the magnitude of being the best pitcher in National League and while you can't see it on these non-existent pictures...you could feel his pain.

An exciting/interesting thing also happened for me at the game. Every home game, U.S. Cellular sponsors a contest in which a trivia question is posted on the ol' Jumbotron. Fans are given multiple choices of answers and told to text their answer to a given number. Then the 25th and 75th people with the correct answer win a pair of tickets to an upcoming game. Well, sure enough yours truly won a pair of tickets because I knew the 1986 Rookie of the Year was Todd Worrell. I am proud to tell you I gave those tickets to someone in more need than I, and Brook has promised she will give me the extra ticket as a way of showing her gratitude in this time of grief and struggle.

The night ended with a drive home, and then a late night viewing of the week's installment of Prison Break, which the lovely Brook had taped for me. Now, I have decided to save that tape for prosperity, and if any of you would like to watch it you can e-mail me and we'll figure something out. I think there may have been like 4 minutes of some tribute or w.'s speech stuck on the very beginning of the tape.

So yeah....fun day for the most part....September 11th, 2006 didn't end up being half the drag people might have lead you to believe it needed to be.

Now September 12th could have been a different story altogether. See Tuesday was primary day in a couple of states and some interesting things happened in the bizarre world that is American politics.

Senator Lincoln Chaffee of Rhode Island, who wraps himself in the banner of the GOP but is generally recognized as being the most liberal of the elephants in the Senate, fought off a challenge to his incumbancy by winning his state's primary.

Chaffee was backed by the independents of his state, who outnumber registered Republicans by a count of 5 to 1. His challenger, self-styled firebrand Steve Laffey, had gone to the mattresses with the ol' "Outside the Washington Circle" campaign but ultimately was not able to sway the people of Rhode Island with his Reaganite populist campaign.

Okay, now I'm fairly certain no one from Rhode Island is reading this, so the significance may be lost a bit on some of you. First off, let's state the obvious. This primary decided a candidate for a seat in the United States Senate. There are only 100 of those seats...so, yeah, pretty important.

But secondly, Lincoln Chaffee is pretty much the only Congressional Republican unafraid to go toe to toe with the current administration. Senator Chaffee was the lone Congressional Republican to vote against the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito. Senator Chaffee was the lone Congressional Republican to vote against the resolution giving w. the authority to use military force in Iraq. The only one!!! And I'm not talking just in the Senate, but in all of Congress! He has also routinely voted against the tax cuts w. loves to give to his family members and campaign contributors, and he voted against the ban on partial birth abortion.

To sum it up, he is basically the Joe Lieberman of the Republicans. Except, of course, he still has a shot at keeping his spot in the Senate. Suck it Papa Joe!

So despite all their efforts, the elephants could not replace their loose cannon, so they now find themselves in the position of having to support the man they wanted replaced so as to retain at least a nominal hold on Senate control as this seat will be key to determining which party takes home the most door prizes this November.

The other interesting primary came in Minnesota. The retirement of longtime Rep. Martin Sabo left the Democratic nomination for the seat wide open and in the end the winner of the 4-horse race was Keith Ellison. Mr. Ellison was elected despite recent reports of a slew of unpaid parking tickets, late financial disclosures and unpaid taxes, but is now expected to have a relatively easy path to Congress as his district has historically been dominated by Democrats.

Now why might this be significant you might ask. Well, Mr. Ellison is African-American and his election to Congress would be a first for my former home state. Secondly the election of Mr. Ellison would give the Congress of the United States of America its first ever Muslim member.

Okay, having lived in Minnesota for a number of years, I can very nearly guarantee this guy is going to win, as the folks in the land of 11,842 lakes love to go outside the mainstream. So how will Mr. Ellison's religious background affect his policy making? Only time will tell, but the mere fact a Muslim will in all likelihood be elected to Congress in this day and age, to me only spells trouble for the current administration in relation to its ability to retain control over the two houses in these midterm elections.

Oh, my...it's going to be an exciting fall.

Stay tuned.

JeffRey

And JeffRey was snuggled in bed, with visions of a Clinton administration dancing in his head.

Okay bloggers...your beloved author is excited.

Tomorrow morning, just 14 hours away in fact, yours truly will be attending a rally to support Missouri senatorial candidate Claire McCaskill.

Now this, by itself, would normally not leave me sprouting wood. However, one of those appearing to speak on Claire's behalf will be none other than William Jefferson Clinton, onetime President of the United States of America.

[Editor's Note: It's important to the author you notice he did not throw quote marks around the word United in that sentence.]

Now for those who've never spoken to me on the matter, or just have no particular sense of history, William Jefferson Clinton (Bill to his friends.) is the greatest President since (at the very least) the end of the second World War.

So the prospect of seeing him speak, and if the good lord is willing even being able to shake his hand and exchange a couple of words on a personal level, is pretty exciting to me.

Fear not bloggers. Within the next day or two I intend to report back fully with tales of my experience. Until then I strongly urge you pray to the deity of your choice the United States Senate vote to repeal the 22nd to the Constitution of the United States of America. Cause I don't know about you, but few ideas are more satisfying to my mind than seeing Bill Clinton kick the absolute shit out of the w.

Good bye my friends, and remember....don't fool with a stingray.

JeffRey