"Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now Baby"
It is good to be among you once again my friends. I humbly apologize for my absence.
So, since last we spoke the world has once again celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ, the lord and savior for nearly half of the planet Earth. Be sure to tune back in next week when you can read my post-Christmas blog and, interestingly enough, my pre-Christmas musings.
In the interim, I'd like to tell you about a film I recently had opportunity to see. Thanks to Pipes, my favorite DVD pirater (or entrepreneur for the less discerning), I was able to see and now subsequently review the Michael Bay "epic" The Island.
Now two words from the preceding sentence would normally automatically preclude me from even considering watching a particular film. Those words being, of course, "Michael" and "Bay." For those not in the know, incidentally, I consider Bay's Armageddon to be, pound for pound and dollar for dollar, the worst film ever made in the history of time.
[Editor's Note: The author realizes, not having seen every film ever made, making such a statement is on some level ludicrous. That said, Armageddon does really suck. And yet....Don't wanna close my eyes. Don't wanna fall asleep. Cause I'd miss...Aw Fuck!!! Now that g-damned song....Fuckity Fuck!]
You know...actually, it's not even worth mentioning.
So the long and the short of it is I really don't like Michael Bay, not as a filmmaker and if I ever met him probably not as a person. Still, I was intrigued by the premise of this film. Not so intrigued I was willing to lay down 7 bones at the multiplex...or even 99 cents at Schnucks on a Wednesday. But when Pipes offered up a free copy the idea appealed to me on a cinematic and socialistic level. Following me here? Good.
So for those not in the know, and those in the know, The Island stars Ewan McGregor and current Hollywood It-Girl Scarlett Johansson. Interestingly enough, when this film went flatter than a plate of piss with the American movie-going public, Bay blamed the stars for the abysmal performance. That should tell you why Michael Bay totally f-ing blows. Just to recap: Ewan and Scarlett = Cool and not to blame. Michael Bay = Lame and totally to blame for most things short of global warming and apartheid.
Scarlett and Ewan live in a society closed off from a world they believe to have been destroyed by world-wide contamination. They wear the same clothes, are told what to eat, where to work and how to interact with one another. They and everyone they know follow these directives as they share a common dream...winning the lottery and gaining passage to the Island. Each member of this society is told the Island is the last livable place outside their walls. The "winners" are chose at random and given opportunity to go to the island to re-populate the human race. Now like all lotteries there are big ones and little ones. For instance...re-populating with Scarlett Johansson...that's the Powerball. Re-populating with say...Rosie O'Donnell (not in the film) that's a scratch-off where you spend 5 bucks to win a dollar. Bad.
Overseeing this entire process is Dr. Merek, as played by the always great Sean Bean.
We learn, through McGregor's character Lincoln 6 Echo, Dr. Merek's society is not as utopian as he would have everyone believe. Those living in the Merek's institute are not survivors of any contamination, but are instead clones created for the sole purpose of organ donation. Going to the Island is actually a euphemism for getting your liver removed.
You know, why isn't it "an" euphemism? "E" is a vowel. It makes a "u" sound...also a vowel.
From the beginning of the film Merek and the audience realize how different Lincoln 6 Echo is. He has a curiosity not evident in the other "products." This human curiosity is what will lead him to rebellion.
Sound good? Surprisingly...it is. Maybe I've been wrong about Bay all along. This is his first film not produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Maybe it's Bruckheimer I should have blamed for Bad Boys II.
Then again...maybe not. Even Bassinger had her L.A. Confidential.
[Editor's Note: The author in no way means to suggest The Island is anywhere near the caliber of film L.A. Confidential happens to be. That would again...be ludicrous.]
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, supporting roles in the film are played by Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan, each of whom must have lost a bet to Bay while making the previously mentioned and defamed Armageddon. Actually, Michael Clarke Duncan is in no position to be turning down scripts. Behemoth child-like black man role doesn't come along all that often.
Also in the film is Ethan Phillips, who for my money has gained everlasting fame for his time on TV's Benson.
Oh, there are also two Ewan McGregors and two Scarlett Johanssons. No word on whether they were paid twice.
This really is something of a departure for Michael Bay from the schlock he normally doles out. You see the story and acting in this film actually don't take a backseat to effects, soundtrack, overacting and Ben Affleck with a box of animal crackers. I would guess this is the reason the film failed and from this point forward every Bay film will be mindless crap where everything blows up.
That said, there is one series of explosions in a car chase scene that is pretty cool. Not quite Matrix 2 cool, but pretty cool.
I thought McGregor and Johansson each played their parts well. The roles allowed for a bit of comedy as the clone McGregor and Johansson enter the "real" world.
[Editor's Note: The quotes around real signify the author's belief that many things about this world are not real. For instance, the American electoral process.]
No Aerosmith on the soundtrack. Haven't fully investigated yet as to why not. And I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing....F-ing song. Remember when Aerosmith was all fucked up on drugs and really good. If I were to make a real argument for the de-criminalization of all drugs I wouldn't talk about taxes, or crime rates or prisons full of non-violent offenders guilty only of possession. Nope...I'd bring out the Aerosmith catalog.
So yeah, this film is worth it for free. It might have even been worth the 99 cents. If I were you though, I'd make friends with Pipes the Pirate. Oooh and I'd read this blog every day.
So, since last we spoke the world has once again celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ, the lord and savior for nearly half of the planet Earth. Be sure to tune back in next week when you can read my post-Christmas blog and, interestingly enough, my pre-Christmas musings.
In the interim, I'd like to tell you about a film I recently had opportunity to see. Thanks to Pipes, my favorite DVD pirater (or entrepreneur for the less discerning), I was able to see and now subsequently review the Michael Bay "epic" The Island.
Now two words from the preceding sentence would normally automatically preclude me from even considering watching a particular film. Those words being, of course, "Michael" and "Bay." For those not in the know, incidentally, I consider Bay's Armageddon to be, pound for pound and dollar for dollar, the worst film ever made in the history of time.
[Editor's Note: The author realizes, not having seen every film ever made, making such a statement is on some level ludicrous. That said, Armageddon does really suck. And yet....Don't wanna close my eyes. Don't wanna fall asleep. Cause I'd miss...Aw Fuck!!! Now that g-damned song....Fuckity Fuck!]
You know...actually, it's not even worth mentioning.
So the long and the short of it is I really don't like Michael Bay, not as a filmmaker and if I ever met him probably not as a person. Still, I was intrigued by the premise of this film. Not so intrigued I was willing to lay down 7 bones at the multiplex...or even 99 cents at Schnucks on a Wednesday. But when Pipes offered up a free copy the idea appealed to me on a cinematic and socialistic level. Following me here? Good.
So for those not in the know, and those in the know, The Island stars Ewan McGregor and current Hollywood It-Girl Scarlett Johansson. Interestingly enough, when this film went flatter than a plate of piss with the American movie-going public, Bay blamed the stars for the abysmal performance. That should tell you why Michael Bay totally f-ing blows. Just to recap: Ewan and Scarlett = Cool and not to blame. Michael Bay = Lame and totally to blame for most things short of global warming and apartheid.
Scarlett and Ewan live in a society closed off from a world they believe to have been destroyed by world-wide contamination. They wear the same clothes, are told what to eat, where to work and how to interact with one another. They and everyone they know follow these directives as they share a common dream...winning the lottery and gaining passage to the Island. Each member of this society is told the Island is the last livable place outside their walls. The "winners" are chose at random and given opportunity to go to the island to re-populate the human race. Now like all lotteries there are big ones and little ones. For instance...re-populating with Scarlett Johansson...that's the Powerball. Re-populating with say...Rosie O'Donnell (not in the film) that's a scratch-off where you spend 5 bucks to win a dollar. Bad.
Overseeing this entire process is Dr. Merek, as played by the always great Sean Bean.
We learn, through McGregor's character Lincoln 6 Echo, Dr. Merek's society is not as utopian as he would have everyone believe. Those living in the Merek's institute are not survivors of any contamination, but are instead clones created for the sole purpose of organ donation. Going to the Island is actually a euphemism for getting your liver removed.
You know, why isn't it "an" euphemism? "E" is a vowel. It makes a "u" sound...also a vowel.
From the beginning of the film Merek and the audience realize how different Lincoln 6 Echo is. He has a curiosity not evident in the other "products." This human curiosity is what will lead him to rebellion.
Sound good? Surprisingly...it is. Maybe I've been wrong about Bay all along. This is his first film not produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Maybe it's Bruckheimer I should have blamed for Bad Boys II.
Then again...maybe not. Even Bassinger had her L.A. Confidential.
[Editor's Note: The author in no way means to suggest The Island is anywhere near the caliber of film L.A. Confidential happens to be. That would again...be ludicrous.]
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, supporting roles in the film are played by Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan, each of whom must have lost a bet to Bay while making the previously mentioned and defamed Armageddon. Actually, Michael Clarke Duncan is in no position to be turning down scripts. Behemoth child-like black man role doesn't come along all that often.
Also in the film is Ethan Phillips, who for my money has gained everlasting fame for his time on TV's Benson.
Oh, there are also two Ewan McGregors and two Scarlett Johanssons. No word on whether they were paid twice.
This really is something of a departure for Michael Bay from the schlock he normally doles out. You see the story and acting in this film actually don't take a backseat to effects, soundtrack, overacting and Ben Affleck with a box of animal crackers. I would guess this is the reason the film failed and from this point forward every Bay film will be mindless crap where everything blows up.
That said, there is one series of explosions in a car chase scene that is pretty cool. Not quite Matrix 2 cool, but pretty cool.
I thought McGregor and Johansson each played their parts well. The roles allowed for a bit of comedy as the clone McGregor and Johansson enter the "real" world.
[Editor's Note: The quotes around real signify the author's belief that many things about this world are not real. For instance, the American electoral process.]
No Aerosmith on the soundtrack. Haven't fully investigated yet as to why not. And I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing....F-ing song. Remember when Aerosmith was all fucked up on drugs and really good. If I were to make a real argument for the de-criminalization of all drugs I wouldn't talk about taxes, or crime rates or prisons full of non-violent offenders guilty only of possession. Nope...I'd bring out the Aerosmith catalog.
So yeah, this film is worth it for free. It might have even been worth the 99 cents. If I were you though, I'd make friends with Pipes the Pirate. Oooh and I'd read this blog every day.
posted by The Crazy Leftist at 6:09 AM
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