Saturday, February 11, 2006

"I talk talk, I talk to you, in the night, in your dream, of love so true."

You need to imagine the song lyric in today's title sung/barked in a very deep and husky voice. Imagine a man who has smoked ten packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day....for 63 years.

You got that? You imagining the voice now? Then you should have no trouble placing it in your own personal little music history. For me, it takes me back to my junior year of high school and dancing the night away at Stages...the hottest dance party in St. Louis, sorta.

The sorta, incidentally, in the sentence prior does not refer to Stages sorta being the hottest dance party, in case you were wondering, as that is clearly not true now and was not true then. The sorta refers to its locale relative to St. Louis, as I am fairly certain Stages was located across the river in Illinois and I am even more fairly certain Stages is now closed. Possibly due to it's being neither in St. Louis nor the hottest dance party around.

You know what's great about being a long-winded sumbitch. I can write paragraphs like the one prior, which have no redeemable features in either an artistic or informative sense. Yet....if I make them just wordy enough, I come off as intellectual and when you, the reader, finds himself or herself or even him/herself feel it's due to a lack of comprehension on your part.

Oh, by the way, the him/herself is a shout-out to hemaphrodites. Don't know any firsthand, I don't think. But this internet thing is, apparently, available just about everywhere but the front desk of the Holiday Inn Select. And I'll bet hemaphrodites love the internet.

I don't really have anything of any particular importance to tell you kids today. Which makes today very much like every other day. NOT! Ya'll best be writing this shit down, cuz when I's famous this shite will not, I repeat will not....come free of charge.

[Editor's Note: That, friends, is an almost tragic use of the contraction I's, which will soon be sweeping the nation.]

So I have this cell phone, and, for the most part, it has treated me well. I can download cool ringtones including, but not exclusively George Michaels "I Want Your Sex" and the theme song to Super Mario Bros.

I also have a camera for my phone, which came in handy when the lovely Brook and I saw the live bait vending machine at the Lake of the Ozarks.

I can also play great games like Drug Wars, where my high score is just north of $35 million. The heroin and cocaine business was very good to me. But oh, that just love the Special K.

Here's my one complaint about my phone as it compares to my old phone...which I hated. It wasn't even a flip phone. It was just this...block of plastic with buttons on it. And the ringtones? Oh, they're fine...if you like the sound of "The Entertainer" as played on a Mattel keyboard. It did have one thing going for it though....

My old know the voice that guides you through your voice mail? The guide voice sounded much more human on my old phone. It was a lady's voice and well, dammit if she didn't sound pretty sexy. She had this breathy quality to her voice that could get know it's not important. The point is I liked having a normal, human voice.

With my current phone, you can tell the voice is female....but it's a female robot. And I would guess it's not a sexy Fem-Bot type either, but more likely to look like Rosie of Jetsons fame. Would you fuck Rosie of Jetsons fame? Didn't think so.

Don't know if you saw this, but Quin Snyder is now the former head basketball coach at the University of Missouri-Columbia after resigning under fire yesterday. His replacement for the time being is Associate Head Coach Melvin Watkins. I doubt Coach Watkins keeps the job past this season, but he has already earned his place in history. Coach Melvin Watkins is the first African-American head coach of any sport in the 100+ year history of University of Missouri athletics. It takes us crackers a long time to come around.

My early wish-list includes another brother-man in Southern Illinois University-Carbondale Head Coach Chris Lowery and former University of North Carolina head coach Matt Doherty.

You remember how I told you about the internet being banned at the front desk. Well, I throw caution to the wind so to speak and surf anyway. Rules be damned! Well, in the interest of job preservation I do minimize my screen when any higher-ups approach. Well, check this. The wallpaper is this mountain scene that looks a lot like the album cover from The Handsome Family's "Through the Trees." The only thing missing, interestingly enough, would be a nice grove of trees. But the misty mountain scene is perfect. Ah....that's a great album. I want each of you to illegally download it tomorrow. But today, get your attorney on retainer.

To End This Call You May Hang Up Or Press 9



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