"We Represent the Lullaby League, the Lullaby League, the Lullaby League...."

Have you ever felt compelled to do something just so you can say you have? I'm not talking stupid, physical shit like bungee jumping or cliff diving. I mean something really strange, something that would generally speaking be totally out of nature for you? I mean something like dressing in drag and going to a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or maybe partaking in a Sing-A-Long screening of The Sound of Music.

Well, friends, your fearless author just last night participated in such an endeavor. Looking back, I now realize I didn't even do it for myself. I did it for each of you (or you if only one person reads this). I knew I owed it to my readers/reader to report on this phenomenon to hit my hometown in mid-Missouri. So sit back my faithful followers as your author tells you a little something about....midget strippers.

The story really begins last weekend, when some friends of mine and I stormed the local gentlemen's club in support of feminism. While there I noticed an ad for a young lady coming soon to the establishment. Her name you ask....was Tiny Tina. Seems young Tina stood no more than three feet off this ball of dirt and water each of us travels along each day.

Now apparently, and I didn't know this, if you're a midget (or little person for the p.c.-type or even creepy little fucker for the pragmatic type) you can only get work in a couple of different industries. Now Tina apparently had no interest in the manufacture of Everlasting Gobstoppers, so squiggle-vision became the way to go. Now she was bringing her "immense" talent to Columbia.

Frankly, the idea shocked and appalled me. I knew if I were to ever crouch down to look my friend Fuller in the eye again I would have to rise to the aid of his people.

Incidentally, Fuller isn't a midget, but bro, you are short.

Ooh, further incidentally, Tina is staying at my hotel....OK enough of the charade...this fuckin' rocks!

I knew I had to go, and I started the ball rolling when Tina and her handler checked into the Holiday Inn. I was my constant caring self and immediately secured a special invite to the show. Interestingly enough, following Tina's set, I learned the "gentlemen" from Girls Gone Wild would be in attendance looking for a new crop of talent.

[Editor's note: The author is re-thinking his position on religion and the presence of a higher being.]

Now, in all seriousness people, Tina was very nice when I spoke to her. And boy is she little! It's like, her head is kinda normal sized, but everything else is little. Ooh try this.....

Pull your arms into your sleeves until just your hands are poking out. Now, and this will be harder, do the same thing with your pants and feet. No, don't do that! Pants don't really have the give for that kind for that kind of thing.

Wait, take your shoes off and put them on the floor in front of a mirror. Now get down on your knees, with your knees resting on the part of the shoe your little footsie would go. Now pull your arms into your sleeves. Turn to the mirror. Make a sexy face and dance!!! Hell yeah!

OK, now she is very nice...I shouldn't make fun. But I shouldn't huff cans of whipped cream either now should I?

So I'm clearly going to the bar and I have several of my co-workers in tow. Shout outs to Kandi, Margaret and Tiffany (you know why girl!)!!

The place was packed! Everyone was into this. I felt like making the I believe in America speech from the beginning of The Godfather. You know, the one where the undertaker tries to justify why he never became a friend to the Don Corleone, but now he needs his help to teach the boys who raped and beat his daughter a lesson? Anyway, I resisted the urge to make that speech and instead sang the first couple of lines from America the Beautiful.

I mean, for real, how great is this country? As long as midgets can dance nude to a packed house, I know the terrorists will never win. Land of decadence rocks!!!!!

[Editor's note: The author has just been re-instated into the Coalition of the Willing.]

At this point I even had my own theme song for the night. It goes like this

Midget Porn
Midget Porn
Lots o' fun
With Midget Porn

(Higher Voice)
Midget Porn
Midget Porn
Lots o' fun
With Midget Porn

It's not a ballad, but I do like to think of it as a love song. The tune to be used, if you ever feel inclined to sing, is that tune Darryl Hannah was whistling in Kill Bill Vol. 1. You know, the part in the hospital where Elle Driver is going to kill Beatrix Kiddo, but then Bill calls her off. That tune is perfect for this song. Oooh, but don't record it because someone owns that tune.

[Editor's Note: And the author owns the lyrics assface!! Write your own damned midget porn song.]

By the by, I know it's probably, technically not pornography...it's performance art.

So the "show" had all the conventions of a typical strip club routine. I would assume anyway, as I've never been to a strip club. I have far too much respect for the female gender as a whole.

[Editor's Note: You can lie in blogs right?]

Tina danced about and collected her ones and fives. She favored country tunes for the most part. I heard something about saving horses by riding cowboys. The end of her set was punctuated with a game called Boobieball. You see Tina holds a cup between...well, her boobies and guys (or girls...I'm a year 2000 kind of guy.) try to shoot wadded up dollar bills into the cup. You make one and you get a free Polaroid with Tina. And what's the great thing about Polaroids kids?

That's right! Instant developing! You can takes pictures of anything you want. Including naked midgets humping your leg!

Ooh, by the by, Tina had a nice set of jugs on her. For a midget I mean, but they were well proportioned to her body. She had normal-sized girl ass on her though. Which means it was big, because hey, she ain't normal sized. She is, in fact, Lilliputian.

You know I was really hoping to see a midget support group there. You know, like they'd be celebrating one of their own making good. Cause for real ya'll, how many midgets hit the big time? What you talkin' bout Webster? Go back to burning down George and Ma'am's apartment building.

[Editor's note: The Ma'am referred to here is not the ma'am with whom the author became acquainted with in Springfield.]

So Tina's first set ended and the girls decided to leave. I chose to do further research into the gentlemen's club atmosphere so that I would know best how to topple it when the Matriarchy Rides Again! (Imagine that in a Harry Kalas type voice.)

Plus two of my fellow Holiday Inn Boyz showed up. They were Will Smith (real name) and Cash (probably a nickname). We settled in for what was a shocking display of filth and depravity.

[Editor's note: In an unrelated story, the author is now a Platinum Member of the Club.]

Oooh, guys in Columbia, you know the club I mean. Go check out the girl wearing the pink with black polka dots outfit...Smokin'! This girl could raise Liberace from the grave and then make him dig chicks.

[Editor's note: The author realizes sexual orientation is not a cavalier decision, but this girl was that fuckin' hot.]

So Tina came back out for the 2 a.m. shift. Did I mention you can't buy booze in this place? Missouri has this totally provincial law stating clubs where chicks are all naked can't serve alcohol. Fully naked women or liquor? Uhh...that's like asking which of the first two Alien films could I do without.

So I was drinking on my $3.50 bottle of water and chasing it with my $5 Red Bull when Tina made her reappearance. Nothing new to report except Boobieball was replaced with Rides for Fives. That should leave even less to the imagination.

So finally came time for the Girls Gone Wild what-have-you. There were only a handful of participants, despite the local talent having come out in droves to bask in Tina's diminutive radiance.

Most of the girls were up there and you could tell they weren't totally into it. I could only surmise this meant they too were noticing the lack of booze or perhaps they had some level of education. One girl though, the only girl to proclaim herself a native of Columbia incidentally, began workin' one of the poles for all she was worth.

The MC asked her if she was a naughty girl. Now a simple "yes" here would have sufficed.

Her answer: "I'm a whole lot more than that."

She then proceeded to earn Missouri its status as the Show-Me State.

All in all, friends, it was a night of firsts. My first midget. My first naked midget. My first naked midget with girls. It was a night of successes. And only in America.....

For Amber Waves of Grain
For Purple Mountain's Majesty
Above the Fruited Plain.......

Midget Porn
Midget Porn
Lots o' Fun
With Midget Porn.....

I love you guys!