This Might Have Been Interesting if a Steve Were Involved

Is it just me or did Giovanni Ribisi's portrayal of a mentally retarded young man in The Other Sister seem to be quite a bit like his performances in pretty much every other film he's been in?

I only ask you about this 1999 film today as I was exposed to it for the first time in my life last night as I's flipping through the channels late at night. Now I didn't watch the entire thing as my ears would have begun bleeding, but I did think it strange a "family" (read: lame) film like The Other Sister would be shown opposite the soft porn of Skinemax, but hey...to each his own.

Now a film I did watch in its entirety has brought you Today's Motherfucker.

Today's Motherfucker is.....everyone associated with National Lampoon's Adam & Eve.

In the interest of public shame I will now name the most guilty of parties:

Producers: Steven Bao, Larry Butler and Martin E. Caan
Director: Jeff Kanew (I believe I speak for all Jeffs when I say our name is a little less cool today) who has shamed the legacy he established with Revenge of the Nerds.
Writer: Justin Kanew (ahh...nepotism)
Actors: Cameron Douglas (the titular Adam and sadly the son of Michael Douglas), Allan Havey (sadly a St. Louis native), Jake Hoffman, Brian Klugman and Chad Lindberg.
Actresses: Thank your god these chicks are hot because we're condemning to cinematic hell Emmanuelle Chriqui and Courtney Peldon.

Now I have long realized the once great publication that is the National Lampoon is in competition with Wes Craven for most shitty films in which their name appears before the title, but this is beyond ridiculous. The same group that brought you Animal House is now responsible for an overly cliched, straight-to-video, collegiate romantic comedy that is truly one of the shittiest films I have ever seen.

And I've seen Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow and Bloodrayne.

The premise here is smokin' hot Eve (Chriqui) is saving herself for....I don't know...a rainy day. She is dating Adam (Douglas) to not only provide us with heavy handed character nomenclature, but to also ask the question...What girl is worth months worth of blue balls?

Adam, naturally, resides with his 4 slovenly friends, living a life of beer drinking, sex doll fucking and discussions of proper asswiping procedure.

Eve, of course, lives in a sorority populated by dim hotties, all of whom are fucking and getting fucked over by their boyfriends, thus providing Eve with the ammo she needs to keep her pantie rule intact. You see, she longs for a magical night of passion with a man she can not just love but trust on the deepest of levels, or something like that. To be honest I was trying to imagine what she'd look like naked.

Adam tries to his hardest to convince Eve to come around. He leaves a trail of roses all over campus, leading her to his candlelit bedroom. He also tries to put the sex thing in perspective, at one point asking his best friend why he's so obsessed with "putting an extra piece of his cartilage inside her." That may not be verbatim, but he definitely used the term "extra piece of cartilage." I've written deeper things in the snow with my piss.

As their relationship progresses Adam becomes increasingly frustrated with Eve's lack of putting out. His roommates stand amazed at the fact she won't even go down on him or jerk him off. Eve is concerned she's going to lose this great guy she really cares about, so she goes to her dad (naturally) for advice.

Now her dad is played by George Dzundza and he's the only one I'm sparing in this skewering. The name is like the Oracle, only without methane fumes and dying at Thermopylae. He spins a yarn about trust and love, and basically convinces her to fuck her boyfriend. Now this element is of course based on how most fathers would act, making this film a documentary of sorts on the life of a typical co-ed.

If you're wondering why I watched even this far, I had to make sure this story of college guy not getting any wasn't actually based on my life and I was unfairly being denied credit and/or compensation.

Of course, by the time Eve gets around to wanting to bone Adam, our boy has gone and tapped the village skank and been left with a souvenir of burning urine. Now, you have the funk and hook up with an around the way girl and maybe you can talk your way out of that one. You take a girl's flower so to speak and leave her with the firecrotch and you're gonna have a situation.

So he comes clean and everything goes to hell. Eve dumps Adam, Adam goes into a weeks long funk (again a nod to reality) and rain no longer falls on these lands.

Re-enter the Oracle. Eve learns her sainted mother split the sheets with another man just before taking the vows with dad. The Oracle advises Eve if he could get beyond it through the power of love, maybe she could as well.

If you're having trouble following it broke down like this. The Oracle/father convinces Eve to lose her V-factor to this guy. Then when he cheats, the Oracle/father suggests Eve give him another chance.

Riiiiight. But of course this is a romantic comedy, so you gotta have the romance. Eve returns to a freshly medicated Adam and fucks his brains out. Then she learns Adam hadn't actually cheated. In a drunken stupor he had been led to believe he did by the village skank who was secretly in love with him. So all is well in the end.

Everything about this film is bad, save the Oracle George Dzundza. I hate myself just a little bit for having watched the entire thing. That's why the cast and crew of National Lampoon's Adam & Eve are Today's Motherfucker.

Don't see this film.

Go Bruins

JeffRey